Fire and Gasoline.

So there is a boy ... what a shocker there. i know right im pathetic!  Anyways we have a bit of a history. I dated him or i guess you could call it dating several years back and ever since then i still get nervous when i see him. well lately he has been coming to my house to say hey and we laugh and chat and stuff. And its so aggrivating because literally everytime we start to be friends again i cant help but fall for him. he is annoying and immature but something about our past draws me to him. Its like he is my addiction or something. We have tried to make it work several times before, but we always get distracted. I always thought he would be my first kiss, and that didnt happen. I always thought that one day we would make it work, and that hasnt happened. I dont know what it is about him, we only dated for like two months in eighth grade and we barely ever saw each other, so someone please explain to me why everytime i hang out with him i get butterflies in my stomach, i get jealous when he talks about other girls, and i always feel like there is a piece of me that will always like him.

" Forget all the regrets that are bound to follow.Were like fire and gasoline, im no good for you, your no good for me. We only bring each each other tears and sorrow, but tonight im gunna love you like theres no tomorrow."

A lot of times i simply wonder why i feel so strongly about him. Why is it that my heart will always have a little speical place for him. Is it because he was my "first boyfriend" because my first kiss is not that special to me at all. This boy always messes with my head and my best friend almost automatically expects me to say i like him again just a soon as he falls back into my life. The reasons why we dont work is a totaly different story. But i just want to know if i should give into my temptation and go through the roller coaster of emotions which only ends up in failure again. Or just leave my heart yearning to find out "what if?"

Sometimes i leave this world more confused then not....

<3 Little Michelle



No Relief.

"Stress is when you wake up screaming then realize that you haven't fallen asleep yet."

......ok so ill be honest. Normally as in the first two years of high school. I have known to be a bit of a slacker, my grades were bad, my room was always a mess, and all i really cared about was shopping and my social life. This year i really have tried to improve, my room for the most of the time is perfectly spotless, not a single thing out of place all my clothes have been put up and ive been washing my clothes and it really has been looking good. Today however, my mom gets ridiculously mad at me because one of the sections of my bathroom isnt clean. Now this just happened recently because i was trying to straighten up for one of my friends and so i just through some clothes on the floor in there fully intending to clean them up when i got home today. SHe was furious me when i got home because even though both my rooms are spot less as well as the most part of bathroom there was clothes all on the floor of one section. Like seriously for the past two weeks my room has been spotless and for me that is REALLY GOOD.. but your gunna get mad over that. I recieved no credit at all for having my room perfect and i did it without even asking i literally spent the whole day cleaning and instead of saying " you rooms look good michelle " or " nice job michelle" i get a " michelle your bathroom is a wreck?" wow, Also this first week of school i have started off really strong, like i really think its going to be good. And im doing my homework as soon as i get home, and im really trying hard. I get frustrated and discouraged really easily and its hard for me to focus but i have been trying. Well anyway we had put summer reading test today and my mom knows i didnt finish my book, but i read all last night reading it, and when i told her it went pretty well except for the part i didnt read she got reallly mad at me . And i understand i should have finished the book but literally she knows i have been trying really hard and its like the instant i mess up she gets pissed. i would just like a little support. Normally me and my mom are really close and we never stay mad long but im really upset over this and am gunna try really hard to give her a hard time about this .. its simply ridiculous to me, and i feel like i deserve just a little credit for the things i have accomplished.. like seriously no focus on the positive at all. No Relief ever. I always feel like im ten feet under in everything. </3

Little Michelle

In Search Of Alaska.

"So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she wa a hurricane."

 

Alaska Young is a tease, a tortured soul, and an extremly unhappy girl. She is also one of my Favorite Characters From One of My favorite books that i have just recently read.titled Looking For Alaska.

 

 

This character although horrible and moody at most times, facinated me just by her rambunctious personality and free spirit until her death. This quote, " if people were rain i would be a drizzle and she would be a hurricane" is quite possibly my favorite line of the book. It describes just how big of an impact she had on the main characters life, he was so taken by her it almost became a form of obsession. I often found myself caught with her, even though she was most times a complete and total ice cold unrelatable bitch. Alaska has qualities that i feel i have always prided myself on wanting to be, she was wild, fun, interesting, and mysterious.

 

 

wild: although i am not a crazy party animal or a incredibley rebellius teen, i strive to live my life a little bit out of the box. I try not to look at things the ordinary way and always make my self try everything atleast once.  Its intresting how far im willing to push myself and were i know my boundaries are and how depending on who i hang out with the boundaries will change. Supprisnly, around my more sheltered friends i tend to be more wild then with my friends who i guess you could call a bit more out there. I feel this is because im always trying to push my sheltered friends " out of the square" although i hardly ever do anything illigal or life threating or just down right trampy, i do try very hard to live my life to the fullest, much like Alaska Young does in the novel.

 

Fun: i guess im what you would tend to call a spaz. Im loud and talk way to much for my own and half the time i drive my friends crazy. I love meeting new people and learning new things about people. Because frankly i find people interesting. I love party dancing to music and when i make someone laugh, my day tends to instantly be complete. I guess you could concider those things fun?

 

Interesting: While im certainly not your average teenager, with juggling 13 hours of dance a week, a boiling social life, and school work there really is no time for average is there? But then again i feel like every teenager experiances that . Anyway there are a few interesting facts about me that make me different from the rest. For one, im a certified scuba diver and swim like a fish ( meaning best underwater), i have also been carrying around lime disease for about six years know(but i didnt know about it for three of those years ) , and i have been told several times that im too observational for my own good. Meaning i can literally reconize scents and clothing brands and i often pick up small details about people simply by watching. Some people find it creepy, i think its cool.

 

mysterious : not suprisngly this is the one i struggle with. while i try to pull of the whole mysterious thing especially when flirting (teheh) i find that most people can read me like a book from my supreme girly apperance and what i guess you could call ditzy vibe. Im not about to completely change who i am, so for now ill continue my moderate or semi average mysterious lifestyle.

 

These qualities that Alaska has obviously doesnt completely fit me because lets face it, im no Alaska. But someday i hope a guy like Miles can look at me with such adoration  as he did with Alaska. She was the girl he couldnt figure out, and thats why she inspires me so much... she was such a bad ass

 

 

Yay to john green for making his stories and characters so wonderful and yay to me for finally being able to write about something im interested in and not just ranting and clearing my head about boys

 

<3 Michelle

I like you, but its complicated..

"My knees start to shake, when you're in sight, my mind's filled with wonder, my heart with fright. When will this feeling stop? When did it start? How can I listen to my mind, without breaking my heart? I'm so confused, what can I do?"

So here you have it, the ever so popular question everyone seems to want to know. "do you like me/ have feelings for me/ have a crush on me?" Any way you put it, there all asking the same question and its one of the most intimidating things that i ever have to deal with. Normally expressing how I feel is not that hard for me after given it some time and gathering of my thoughts, this question, unless previously pondered stumps me every time. What is like anyway? webster defines it as to feel an attraction to, or pleasure towards. Yahoo answers says it means to have feelings for someone.
Am i physically attracted to this guy? yea sure he is cute, but he is no brad pitt but nothing that would prevent me from "liking him"
Do i have a feeling of pleasure? Does my jumping from him rubbing up and down my leg in the movie theater count as pleasure? If so then yea sure i guess there is " pleasure " just fine.
Do i have feelings for him? well what kinda feelings ? am i attached to him? no not at all but then again i never have been really attached to anyone except for friends, never any boyfriends. But i do have feelings of happyness towards him. I mean he makes me laugh.. thats a plus right?

So if i answered yes to all of those. The answer has to got to be simple right? I must like him. Except for heres the catch, im still not so convienced that i do. As previously stated he is fun to be around, and things arent so very awkward and he certainly is a shmoozer and makes me laugh. But he is also completely girl obsessed, way to sexually driven, we have nothing in common, and i have no desire to constantly check my phone to see if he texted me, or worry that he forgot to text me back or wonder when we will hang out next. To be honest im not sure if i want to hang out with him all the time at all. Sure every once and awhile would be fun but lets not make a habit out of it type of thing. And while we have the physical down, what about the emotional, i cant until now recall us ever talking about anything more serious then the latest sports game or when my dance class was over, a relationship cant be based on that right?

Take all that confusion and then lets just throw in another boy to spice up the mixture. You remember my best friend? The guy i swore i would never like? Well what if he is the one i like? What happens then? What if i have fallen for the skimpy ginger kid who lives in ohio? Well damn that complicates things.

But what if im just scared? Scared of being hurt again, scared of moving on to someone new, scared of what people will think, scared of my inexperiance or the level of awkwardness. Maybe even though i think i want to be in a relationship maybe my heart simply isnt ready to be put through the ringer again. Maybe even though im dying to be in a relationship and i want someone to think im special, im just not ready. Or maybe i never will be, maybe relationships arent for me in high school maybe i really do get bored to easily.

Then again what if im just making excuses...because i dont like him. Or maybe im making excuses because i do and im scared that i do.

So when he asked me... " do you have feelings for me?"
All i could say was " its complicated"
now here he is waiting patiently for me to come up with some sort of explanation as to why its o-so-complicated.
and i cant really just say. i like you, but i just cant date you, without making me sound like a complete tease now can i?
And thats when i get dizzy.

I like you, but its complicated. </3

...michelle.