To Give A Chance Too Many.

So by now you know him. You know the guy with the ex and the drunk hooking up. And by now your wondering why I havnt said peace out bitch to his ass and moved on to someone else. Im wondering the same things myself a little bit, but here the deal. I cant. I honestly dont want anyone else right now. Right now he is all i see and I cant help but wonder if there is such a thing as a chance to many. Is the fact that im willing to give him my trust again a sign that im just desperate or that he has some sort of power over me convincing me he wont ever do it again . Im a little shocked and even a bit dissapointed in myself with the fact that I want to forgive him and trust him again and yet im doing it anyways. And in all honesty i dont give a damn. He makes me happy, he makes me happy even just being my best friend. I like him, but if I had to i could supress my feelings and just be his freind simply because i understand him and i like being around him. He makes me feel most comfortable and most like myself almost as much as some of my best friends. I simply want to talk to him all the time and if I dont my day feels as though its lacking something.

However, Im constantly getting the vibe that he simply does not feel the same way that i do about the situstion. I am one who likes to talk out the issues while he is one who simply walks away and says that he cant handle it. Just today i got a text from him saying " Hey we need to talk" Those five little words that can mean life changing or otherwise determental things to any form of relationship . And im scared of the outcome of that phone call. I admit im scared of him saying that its over, and i dont just mean relationship over, i mean over. No contact over. He has threatened that so many times and it terrifies me. I dont do well with dropping people i need to hold on . IM ALWAYS ATTACHED. He is always saying that his only way out, that he doesnt trust himsef around me, he doesnt see himself as a good enough person to have a third chance with me. And if im honest, i dont trust him yet, I just dont he is going to have to build it up again and learn some real self discipline which i think he has finally realized. He has said to me that he needs to really fix himself as a person and anaylize if he is the kinda person who does things like that. And thats something i can respect. I just hope  that that doesnt cut me out of his life completely. Because there is only so much of that that i could take without him. And so call me that hopeless damsel, because here i am giving him a chance too many and hoping for the best.

Backstabbing Bitches & Penis Minded Assholes.

So Lately I have been really dissapointed in the human race as a whole. I have come to the conclusion that all girls are backstabbing bitches and all boys are penis minded assholes. And everyone around me seems to be looking at for no one but themselves. To be honest, im no different. It took me being treated like shit in order for me to realize just how much of a bitch I have the capability to be. Regardless, this isnt about me, this is about me stating how simply everyone sucks. EVERYONE! All of my friends it feels like have been telling me about there different problems and it made me see how bad people have gotten to be. It seems as though everyones a cheater these days, since when did that become okay under certain circumstances? In my opinon people in relationships get away with way more than there supposed lately. Lets start with my story shall we?
Basically I liked this guy, but he liked me first. I was soley convinced I didnt like him until I did. Soon enough we had a thing, as much of a thing you can have without actually dating. Do to the fact that he is black and my parents would shoot me. Anyways this boy is going through things, I try to respect his wishes even if it means not speaking to him for a few days. We recently hooked up, and let me ask if you can say A-M-A-Z-I-N-G? Soon after that i really felt like things were good between us, i thouht that we were strong and for the first time i was starting to feel happy! Then came this party, a party that normally im invited to, unfortunatly for me I was out of town for this one. I thought nothing of this party until later what do i find out ? This boy hooked up with his ex girlfriend at this party!! I was so heartbroken so confused so shocked that i didnt know what to do with myself. Everyone had told me he was the good guy, he was perfect for me, he would never hurt me. how could someone who i thought would be so sweet to me do something so utterly crushing. Finally when i got around to talking to him about it, I came to understand the circumstances he was under, and forgave him because lets be honest we arent a couple anyway. He promised me never again, we were back on track sworn to just each other or so i thought. The next day , there is another party. This time i was uninvited, and little do i come to find out. He has done it again with his ex. And now im having to catch me breath because the pressure building in my chest is almost unbereable. This is not my boy, this is not how he acts and the fact that we arent speaking is killing me. But he has left me alone, his phone is turned off and for the first time in a while im suddenly feeling like i dont exist. i know he thinks he is leaving me for a good reason but in all honesty i never got to be mad, i never got to express how i felt, we never talked it out. He just turned his phone off and dropped me.
Now to mention her.. the ex girlfriend. I have gotten to know her, and i would say we have become friends and the fact that she would through herself at what she knows to be my boy makes me sick to my stomach. What kinda little bitch would do some shit like that?  She disinvited me to her party with all knowing she could get him drunk enough to hook up with her? Like who does that, after all the shit i have done for you. Why would you do that to me? I have done a lot of shit for that girl and all she does is stab me in the back.

It seems as though recently im not the only ones who have been backstabbed or blindslidded. one of my best guyfriends girl friends just cheated on him. And one of my good girlfriends has an ex boyfriend still saying she is beautiful and he misses her while he is with someone else.

 What i want to know is what happened to all the decent people in the world and

since when did everyone just turn to shit.

To Name a Few..

Way to often, I use my blog as a diary. A way to say poor me, and look at how hard my life tends to be. It has become a rarity that I ever talk about anything other than my latest heartbreak, or my most recent found insecurity and while this year may have been one of the hardest years I have ever gone through, I have recently taken a step back to realize that in the past few months people have been added to my life. These people have taken my heart for a joyride with just how supportive and amazing friends they have come to be. It makes me chuckle a little at just how lucky I really am, and how little I value the important people that have recently come into my life. Without further explanation, I want to share with you the importance of these people and just how amazing an impact they have made on my life. And for the first time, Ill use names, because I want everyone to know how thankful I am.

Thomas: This kid. Thomas is one of those people who I cant go a day without talking to. He has this way of geniunly caring about me and whats going on in my life. I have known him for so long but it wasnt until this year that I learned how truly of an awesome person he is. In all honestly I have never seen him hurt a fly, he is the perfect gentleman, and all he wants to do is see others (especially me) happy. I have never seen a person so dedicated to the happiness of others. There are people in this world that i know for sure he hates, but those people would never know that, because it is impossible for him to be mean to them. He cant bring himself to say a bad word.If he knows what will put someone in a better mood, he does it, he never thinks of himself but more of what he can do for others.  He puts up with my calls at 2am just because im bored and want someone to talk to, he sends me good morning texts just to remind me to have a good day, and always manages to put a smile on my face. All and all Thomas is one of those people who has been through a lot, but doesnt let it bring him down. He just keeps on and I will always look up to him for that.

Carly: Carly and I have never been close. Until just recently, Carly was the girl thats just always been there but I never really had the oppurtunity to know. One day we just started talking, and we really connected. I never took the time out of my busy life to really take the time to get to know her, and for that I will always be dissapointed in myself. Because, I have never become such fast friends with a person as I did with Carly. I could honestly say that this girl has gotten to be one of my close friends. I have never had someone sit down and listen to me go on and on for hours about all my problems and everything I have been experiancing. She is the person I go to when all you want is someone on your side. Sometimes you dont want someones advice, sometimes you just want someone to say "yea they suck ass!" and Thats just who Carly is. She is a fun, loving, and chill girl. Willing to put up with peoples complaints and try and make light of a situation that is tough. She has proved to be important when all i want to do is get it out! With her its all about the fun and letting go of the stupid shit people do!

Mara: Awesome. She is seriously awesome. I dont know why I was never close to this girl before, but now that I am, im holding on and never letting go! Her sarcastic wittyness, and sass is hilarious. I constantly find myself laughing about the things she is saying. I envy her complete free spirit and her ability to detach herself from the situation and look at it in a new way . She is precious and sweet and is honestly starting to become one of my close friends. This girl, while younger than me, seems wiser beyond her years. The advice she knows how to give and the way she thinks is a way that makes me think she is so far above any stupid high school shit. She has a way of telling you exactly what you need to hear, but manages to remain delicate while doing it. I love her personality , the way that when shit gets real she knows what to say, but she also knows how to have a good time. When your with her you almost get the best of both worlds. She never seems to follow the crowd, you can always tell she knows how to make decisions on her own and is a very independent person. Lately, we have really bonded simply over the fact that she is there. She is there for me if I ever need anything, and i mean anything and is always willing to hang out with me if im bored, or lend an ear when im sad, and do something thoughtful just because. Im dissapointed with myself for not noticing sooner just how good of a friend Mara can be, but within these past few months im coming to learn, and I have never been more excited for a friendship to develop.

And those are just to name a few, in all honestly i have great friends. People are always there to watch me back and i would not be anywhere without them.

 Im so thankful for everything that have done for me this year, all that they have put up with, and for simply being themselves.