She Who Dares..

"She can love you more than I could, she who dares to stand where I stood"

We were all waiting for it to happen, it was alsmot as if the world was standing by watching as my world came to a break down before me. Saturday morning was the d-day, the point of no return, and the day i had tried hoplessly to avoid for so long. My ex and one of my best friends kissed. There now together. And why more than anything im wishing for them to be happy together, its extremly hard for me not to be the least bit selfish in this situation. When my friend confessed it to me, she was so worried about my feelings and how i feel, but you know that was okay, because she should have been worried. Regardless of the situation it is pretty fucked up for your friend and your ex to be dating. I have to surrender my pride though, and be happy for them both. Because in all honestly i could not have picked a more perfect couple for each other. They literally have everything in common, and all i want for the two of them is to be happy. Unfortuantly for me, i cant have there happiness without a little bit of humilation and pity from others on my part. When people find out i feel like all eyes are on me to see just how im handling the situation, but in everyones eyes im being

strong, tough, and unafraid.

In the end though its all okay, because while things with my past love life may not be so clean cut and straight forward, its safe for me to say that i have almost entirely moved on from that. Remember my good guy friend? the one i was sooo convinced  i didnt have feelings for..we can just go ahead and say.Things may have changed.

fuck the haters anyway, im a sex kitten
:)

Pour me some Vodka

Everyone says junior year is the worst . Everyone says the classes are hard and the social life is even harder. Let's just say.... I severally underestimated just how serious they were. Not only are the classes ridiculous and time consuming, I have never had such a drama and tear filled year . I only have dated two guys this year, both very sweet, and both hurt me worse than I think I have ever been hurt before. If I'm honest with myself, I will tell you that I still have feelings for one of them and it literally kills me just to talk to him or see him around at school. But I push through suck it up and do it because I know if I shut him out of y life completely I would be even more miserable than I am now. So my heart is constantly hurting, and I'm still getting nauseous , and there is still songs I can't play without ruining my entire day. Since when did I let myself fall so hard as to get so completely attached to him? I keep wishing for someone to distract me.
But be careful what you wish for. Recently one of my very good guy friends confessed to having feeling for me. I don't want to mess up this friendship that I feel so close to and love so much but I honestly just can not bring myself to feel the same way about him. last time one of my guy friends told me he had feelings for me and I didn't feel the same he didn't speak to me for a month and I was literally heart broken. All I want to do is keep our friendship the same, unawkward, original , and ours. I'm not trying to complicate it especially with him going to college. I feel like the biggest douche bag ever. I literally am almost in tears over it every time his name pops up on my phone. And speaking of best friends problems on the weight of your shoulders.
One of my best friends just lost her virginity over the course of spring break to a guy who ended things with her shortly after. Once hearing that I immediately broke down in tears crying for her because I was so sad thy she is having to go through that. I sit and think about it all day long, worrying about her and wanting to remove his penis from his body fry it and watch it burn. You can mess with me, but you sure as hell can't mess with my friends.
What happens though when your friends begin messing with you? Remember my friend, who called me and said she didn't want to be my friend. It's gotten to the point where I can't look at her. It literally tears me apart everyday. There will be days where I am fine and others where I will come to last period nearly in tears. To be honest I'm just so sick of being hurt this year. I'm so sick of physically feelin my heart have pain. Pour me some damn vodka and get me the hell out of here.