What do you want from me?

So it was dance show week. My most favorite week of the semester. Full of high stress, tears from graduating seniors, and a perfect opportunity to bond with everyone. There he was though, that boy, and although i may still like him,the feelings i have for him had settled into a constant numbness. A feeling that i just excepted as being there, but knew nothing was going to happen and i would have to deal with the permanent loss of him .Ourfriendship was improving though, i was learning to tolerate more of him, and his flirtyness i learned to deal with as nothing more than a display of our friendship. After the first night of the dance show i get a text from his saying "LOVE YOU, Goodnight :)" nothing more nothing less. While i didnt think much of this and knew it was simply a kinda gesture or yet another symbolization of our friendship it still stung a bit. Thats all it took, one text message for certain memories of him to come flooding back to me. If that would have been all, i would have been fine, i would not be in such a hopeless and desperate place that i am now. But of course not. He couldnt just leave me could he? He had to push further, knowing his quant charm and adorable looks could suck me back in with

one.

long.

phonecall.

Friday night of the dance show, we were messing around like always just causal friend stuff and he looks at me. I mean really looks at me. And he says your so naive you know that right? I chased him down, begged him to tell me what that ment , but no matter what i said he wouldnt budge. Said he would text me that night to explain to me what was up. But i never got that text that night. Instead I got a call. A call to explain to me that im naive because i assume he doesnt miss me. Doesnt miss me as in the relationship we used to have. And that even though he loves that other girl, he still gets happy when he sees me, and he misses talking to me everyday. We talked for a little over an hour about his current relationship and how things used to be. He asked me the last time we had talked like this, told me he didnt have any intention of kissing her when he did, and even after he didnt want to date her, for the same reason he didnt want to date me.. distance. He told me He still thought i was pretty, which i immediatly told him not to tell me that, that it wasnt fair. While i never came out and said it, he knows i still have feelings for him, but i would never act on them because of my best friend. I could never wish upon her the pain that i feel everyday. And while there relationship is so much stronger than me and his ever was. I still am overprotective over her , and i worry that he will hurt her. Since we also talked about the faults in there relationship, such as there distance, and the need for her to control him. Im not going out to say they wont work out or that he doesnt have feelings for her its obvious that he does.. All im saying is that in that hour conversation i was reminded of all of the old times and the worst part of all, when we hung up i felt like i was loosing him all over again. That pain and those feelings came right back full force. and so now here i am hanging on to something thats not even there. and while i know that phone call may have ment nothing to him, it gave me hope for something created by my imagination.



Why’d you call me today with nothing new to say?
You pretend it’s just hello, but you know what it does to me to see your number on the phone.

Now tell me, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me?
Are you tryin’ to bring back the tears or just the memories?
You keep takin’ me back, takin’ me back where I’ve already been.
When we hang up it’s almost like I’m losing you again.

She Who Dares..

"She can love you more than I could, she who dares to stand where I stood"

We were all waiting for it to happen, it was alsmot as if the world was standing by watching as my world came to a break down before me. Saturday morning was the d-day, the point of no return, and the day i had tried hoplessly to avoid for so long. My ex and one of my best friends kissed. There now together. And why more than anything im wishing for them to be happy together, its extremly hard for me not to be the least bit selfish in this situation. When my friend confessed it to me, she was so worried about my feelings and how i feel, but you know that was okay, because she should have been worried. Regardless of the situation it is pretty fucked up for your friend and your ex to be dating. I have to surrender my pride though, and be happy for them both. Because in all honestly i could not have picked a more perfect couple for each other. They literally have everything in common, and all i want for the two of them is to be happy. Unfortuantly for me, i cant have there happiness without a little bit of humilation and pity from others on my part. When people find out i feel like all eyes are on me to see just how im handling the situation, but in everyones eyes im being

strong, tough, and unafraid.

In the end though its all okay, because while things with my past love life may not be so clean cut and straight forward, its safe for me to say that i have almost entirely moved on from that. Remember my good guy friend? the one i was sooo convinced  i didnt have feelings for..we can just go ahead and say.Things may have changed.

fuck the haters anyway, im a sex kitten
:)

Pour me some Vodka

Everyone says junior year is the worst . Everyone says the classes are hard and the social life is even harder. Let's just say.... I severally underestimated just how serious they were. Not only are the classes ridiculous and time consuming, I have never had such a drama and tear filled year . I only have dated two guys this year, both very sweet, and both hurt me worse than I think I have ever been hurt before. If I'm honest with myself, I will tell you that I still have feelings for one of them and it literally kills me just to talk to him or see him around at school. But I push through suck it up and do it because I know if I shut him out of y life completely I would be even more miserable than I am now. So my heart is constantly hurting, and I'm still getting nauseous , and there is still songs I can't play without ruining my entire day. Since when did I let myself fall so hard as to get so completely attached to him? I keep wishing for someone to distract me.
But be careful what you wish for. Recently one of my very good guy friends confessed to having feeling for me. I don't want to mess up this friendship that I feel so close to and love so much but I honestly just can not bring myself to feel the same way about him. last time one of my guy friends told me he had feelings for me and I didn't feel the same he didn't speak to me for a month and I was literally heart broken. All I want to do is keep our friendship the same, unawkward, original , and ours. I'm not trying to complicate it especially with him going to college. I feel like the biggest douche bag ever. I literally am almost in tears over it every time his name pops up on my phone. And speaking of best friends problems on the weight of your shoulders.
One of my best friends just lost her virginity over the course of spring break to a guy who ended things with her shortly after. Once hearing that I immediately broke down in tears crying for her because I was so sad thy she is having to go through that. I sit and think about it all day long, worrying about her and wanting to remove his penis from his body fry it and watch it burn. You can mess with me, but you sure as hell can't mess with my friends.
What happens though when your friends begin messing with you? Remember my friend, who called me and said she didn't want to be my friend. It's gotten to the point where I can't look at her. It literally tears me apart everyday. There will be days where I am fine and others where I will come to last period nearly in tears. To be honest I'm just so sick of being hurt this year. I'm so sick of physically feelin my heart have pain. Pour me some damn vodka and get me the hell out of here.

Only Cry Once.

I love to cry, I cry all the time. Crying makes me feel relieved. It solves all my problems. But there is nothing more i hate in the world than appearing weak. When something bad, something that really deserves a cry happens to me, i simply refuse. I hate seeming like i let the world get the best of me. And most of all, I hate letting people know about it .I wear my heart on my sleeve, and everytime i get hurt i want to hit myself for doing it. And when a situation happens, a full deserving cry, i only allow myself to show weakness once, i only let a cry out once, i refuse to let people see that im not okay. I refuse to show people that the girl who always has her shit together isnt okay.Its embarassing to me. Im pretending like im okay, please dont interupt my performance alright?

Today, it happened, the inevitable, the thing that we all saw coming. The thing i had been waiting for, fighting against, but eventually would come, happend. He ended things with me. I was so hurt, i wanted to throw away the rest of the day sit in my room and cry. But i refuse to let the world win, i sat down on my floor, i told my mom, and i cried, i cried once. and only once. and after that, i was okay. I pulled myself together, and i didnt pity myself. I was even laughing. But then the unexpected happened, something i didnt see coming.

One of my very best friends told me she didnt want to be my friend anymore, i was a bitch, i treat her like shit. Do you know how hard it is to sit back and take that from someone who you have been friends with for almost three years now? ill fill you in... incredibly hard. unbearbly hard. I cried once, tried to pull myself together, and i almost did. Until my other friend texting me telling me, i cant always fool the world. I cant always pretend like nothing effects me and i dont have a heart. I have to care, i have to show my emotions and its okay to not always be happy. i am human after all. So now here i sit, and im crying, and im crying a lot. And you know what? for now its okay for me to be sad, it almost feels good to cry, but tomorrow. tomorrow, im tough, strong, happy, and up on my feet. no one brings me down. and if they do they wont know it. :)

My heart is just so tired.

xoxo michelle

Wretched Days

Today was just one of those day were literally everything got under my skin. I felt as though I was under my breaking point all day, that maybe i would explode with tears at any minute. Everything was building up, Everything was tearing me down, and all i wanted to do was sit in my room, light a candle and cry. Dance, which used to be my biggest get away, my biggest motivator, has taken a tole for the worst, almost becoming my worst enemy. I find my happiness quielty surrendering whenever i enter the doors of my studio. Just like the good feelings slowly drift away, I always try to add comic relief to the ever stressful life at dance because simply i enjoy having a good time. Usually that comic relief is taken as annoying and immature. But lets face it, im almost seventeen im not mature at all. and all i wanna do is have a little fun. So please shoot me, bury my head in the sand , and shun me for it, because if you cant have a good time then i dont want your negativity bringing me down anyways. I constantly feel out of the loop at dance, the awkward one or the one who doesnt have a friend. While im sure most of the other girls dont see it that way, i always feel so out of place. Which is unlike me to not be confident in every situation. Why in dance do i feel like the joke is always on me? im sick of the drama and the wy people treat each other, i just want to be apart of the fun,...obvioulsy to much to ask.

And then there is still him, he lately has been seeming to bring me down. I know he is stressed out from his sport and all. But im still not getting that reasurance i would have hoped for. Probably even less than the last time. I feel like a needy and whining girl, but if it comes to the fact that we dont talk unless i text you first, we have a problem. I really like him, but im not that strong. and im not so sure how much more of this "put on the back burner" i can really take.