The Struggle Is Real.

It has been quite sometime since I have posted anything, and that simply because well. There hasnt been anything to dramatic or horrible to tell about. Life has been pretty chill, and that makes me happy. Im really trying to concentrate hard on just cutting loose, and not sweating the small stuff. I think if i can manage to do that I will have a really good senior year, and that is all I have ever wanted. So basically you might have noticed that I vent about ever extreme feeling on here. Everything that I am feeling at the time put in a way that is not sugar coated and completely honest. So while my life may be pretty chill, and grand right now I am going to take this time to fill you in on a few "struggles" that are still getting under my skin.

For one there is drivers ed. It is the most completely pointless and stupidest set of learning materials that I have ever had my hands on. I guess the worst part about it is the fact that I am honestly doing it for no point whatsoever. Im seventeen which means that legally I can take my test without putting up with this bullshit that is drivers ed. Also, because I am taking this "fantastic " course online it is saving my parents 0 dollars in insurance. Yes you heard me, zero dollars. Our insurance company does not allow drivers ed to be done online for the sake of saving money on insurance. So in all honesty, im doing this for absoltely no reason. And thats really really pissing me off.

Speaking of drivers ed, i have never been more nervous for a test in my entire life. I might as well be shaking in my boots. I have never had official training in a car with a driving instructor and so im so scared that that might set me back on the test. Also there is parking, parking makes me so nervous i think i might puke. I hope I can pass, and im mostly worried about passing because if I dont, that will probably be the single most humiliating moment of my entire life. Yea no, it will be.

Fun Fact: I think i have decided to name my car Margo, I read this book called paper towns by john green and i feel in love with the character of Margo and so I thought she was a good representation of what my car makes me think of. Mysterious, Adventurous, Puzziling And now i just seem retarded so im going to stop talking.

For those of you wondering about the boy, things are still at a standstill. We barely talk and when we do , the most I get is a few word responses. So i guess you could say my motivation is deterorating. The thing that kills me the most is that i used to mean the world to him and now he seems okay with just driffting away from me. And that hurts , that hurts worse than almost anything because its like i am seeing the closeness we had literally deteriorate in front of my eyes. And there is absolutly nothing that I can do to stop it, or even slow it down. I may have won many battles with him, but I was never intended to win the war.

In all honesty, I just get lonely, when it seems like everyone around you has that special someone, and your just left in the dust its hard not to feel so alone. Then i Just stop and realize that im not really lonley and its not that no one wants me or that im not good enough. Its simply because im so damn sexy that i intimidate the hell out of everyone else. And that is really just all there is to it. Haha , no but really, i just need someone to talk to, do you know how long it has been since i eas able to flirt with someone? Like longer than the time is takes for grass to grow, get cut and grow again. and thats a crazy long time.

I have been asked to set a piece on a proffesional company by one of my teachers at my dance school. it took me forever to convince myself that I was capable and strong enough to do it . Im planning on doing a piece to a song called youth .Its basically just about how eventually everyone gets effected by a heart brake. and its almost possible to avoid your first one. I find that first heartbreaks are almost always the hardest to get over just because you have never had a feeling so strong. Now I do not clame to have ever experianced true heartbrake, because in all honesty I have never come to the conclusion that I am truley in love. But I do know what it is like to have lost someone you care for deeply. And so i really want to do a piece first representing the extreme innocence and just how dramatic and more grown up you have to become after you loose your first love. Honestly, i have never been more terrified. just working on the chereography makes me so nervous because I want it to be amazing. Im often intimidated by other peoples artwork, constantly compairing myself to theres and wondering why didnt i think of that or why isnt mine good enough?? I can never be completely satisfied with what i have to offer and that really stresses me out.

Well that was long and ramably and probably made absolutely no sense at all. But there was so much I just needed to get out and so i figured i would just mush them all together. So while my life right now is actually really chill, I always have my few complaints lol. MWAH!

Hard to Love

Its Like that book the perks of being a wallflower, except for instead its....

" And in that moment I swear we were never infinite. "

But then again, I have a theory that infinite is dumb, because nothing is infitinte. Nothing except for God. Because even the perfect relationship comes to an end. And that just my bitter ass truth.

I knew we were never meant to last, because lets be honest just how long can one thing last? We were destined for failure, but you already know my record for choosing guys destined for failure. As well as my record of choosing guys that are scared.

1.Scared of what everyone else thought

2. Scared of his own feelings

3. Scared of commitment

4.Scared of relationships

5. Scared of my innocence.

and now 6. Scared of himself

He is scared of what he might do to me, or just what he is capable of. I have been battling this with him for a few weeks now. Him constantly suggesting that he is no good for me, like he knows whats best for me. I have continously fought for him when he is the one who fucked up. So recently when he went away again saying that that was what was best for both of us.. I let him. I was so tired of seeming desperate for him and weak without him that I got angry. And I just snapped. I basically gave him permission to never speak to me again. Never again speak to my best friend, that one person who without fail makes me laugh. Never again talk for hours about our passion for dance, and joking over the word PotatoE. (dont ask :)) From the moment I sent that text I have missed it. Its been almost five days sense. And im at a loss for myself, i simply dont know what to do with myself. I havent been sleeping. I want so badly to be strong but Im just not. With every boy I have noticed that Im getting weaker and weaker and more and more attached and I really just need a fun relationship that im not so into. Because I cant continue to feel like this. Its simply exhausting.

Jokes <3

Wanna know the worst part? The worst part is, he doesnt seem to be feeling the same way im feeling about it that I do. He seems to be getting along just fine, happy even like maybe now that im out of his life he can finally move on and happy. I just wish that he cared like i did. Why is it that im always the one fighting for him, doesnt he care too? i know he used to, he used to make me feel like someone special to him, I used to like the think that i was the exception. But its obvious that I wasnt. He just put up a new dance video, to one of my current favorite songs. And Im in love with the dance, but its n ot even like I can congradualate him. Or critic him for that matter. He always used to value my opinion. Okay im gunna stop whining now because that just gotten ridiculous. Basically im trying hard not to text him, but its getting harder and harder. I put it off as long as I can but ill be honest it isnt getting any easier. the only good thing that is coming out of this right now is new inspiration for a dance which im currently working on. But right now im just trying to keep busy.

Playlist of Perfection:

Hard to love - Lee Brice

Posion and Wine - The civil wars

I wont give up - Jason Mraz

Youth - Daughter

Same Mistakes- One Direction

Doing it Wrong - Drake

Not meant to be-Theory of a Deadman

Can I stay - Ray Lamontage

Summertime Sadness- Lana Del Ray

Over You- Miranda Lambert

Made to be Together- Trey Songz

Fix a Heart- Demi Lovato

The Bird- The Weeknd

Won't Stop-Childish Gambino

Glow in the Dark- Chris Brown

I guess now is a good time to mention that I have a playlist for every boy I have dated. Full of songs from when we were together and songs I used to get over them. Music is the closest thing I have ever had to a committed relationship. Im not kidding music is my strongest dedication. I can never sit in silence. 



To Give A Chance Too Many.

So by now you know him. You know the guy with the ex and the drunk hooking up. And by now your wondering why I havnt said peace out bitch to his ass and moved on to someone else. Im wondering the same things myself a little bit, but here the deal. I cant. I honestly dont want anyone else right now. Right now he is all i see and I cant help but wonder if there is such a thing as a chance to many. Is the fact that im willing to give him my trust again a sign that im just desperate or that he has some sort of power over me convincing me he wont ever do it again . Im a little shocked and even a bit dissapointed in myself with the fact that I want to forgive him and trust him again and yet im doing it anyways. And in all honesty i dont give a damn. He makes me happy, he makes me happy even just being my best friend. I like him, but if I had to i could supress my feelings and just be his freind simply because i understand him and i like being around him. He makes me feel most comfortable and most like myself almost as much as some of my best friends. I simply want to talk to him all the time and if I dont my day feels as though its lacking something.

However, Im constantly getting the vibe that he simply does not feel the same way that i do about the situstion. I am one who likes to talk out the issues while he is one who simply walks away and says that he cant handle it. Just today i got a text from him saying " Hey we need to talk" Those five little words that can mean life changing or otherwise determental things to any form of relationship . And im scared of the outcome of that phone call. I admit im scared of him saying that its over, and i dont just mean relationship over, i mean over. No contact over. He has threatened that so many times and it terrifies me. I dont do well with dropping people i need to hold on . IM ALWAYS ATTACHED. He is always saying that his only way out, that he doesnt trust himsef around me, he doesnt see himself as a good enough person to have a third chance with me. And if im honest, i dont trust him yet, I just dont he is going to have to build it up again and learn some real self discipline which i think he has finally realized. He has said to me that he needs to really fix himself as a person and anaylize if he is the kinda person who does things like that. And thats something i can respect. I just hope  that that doesnt cut me out of his life completely. Because there is only so much of that that i could take without him. And so call me that hopeless damsel, because here i am giving him a chance too many and hoping for the best.

Backstabbing Bitches & Penis Minded Assholes.

So Lately I have been really dissapointed in the human race as a whole. I have come to the conclusion that all girls are backstabbing bitches and all boys are penis minded assholes. And everyone around me seems to be looking at for no one but themselves. To be honest, im no different. It took me being treated like shit in order for me to realize just how much of a bitch I have the capability to be. Regardless, this isnt about me, this is about me stating how simply everyone sucks. EVERYONE! All of my friends it feels like have been telling me about there different problems and it made me see how bad people have gotten to be. It seems as though everyones a cheater these days, since when did that become okay under certain circumstances? In my opinon people in relationships get away with way more than there supposed lately. Lets start with my story shall we?
Basically I liked this guy, but he liked me first. I was soley convinced I didnt like him until I did. Soon enough we had a thing, as much of a thing you can have without actually dating. Do to the fact that he is black and my parents would shoot me. Anyways this boy is going through things, I try to respect his wishes even if it means not speaking to him for a few days. We recently hooked up, and let me ask if you can say A-M-A-Z-I-N-G? Soon after that i really felt like things were good between us, i thouht that we were strong and for the first time i was starting to feel happy! Then came this party, a party that normally im invited to, unfortunatly for me I was out of town for this one. I thought nothing of this party until later what do i find out ? This boy hooked up with his ex girlfriend at this party!! I was so heartbroken so confused so shocked that i didnt know what to do with myself. Everyone had told me he was the good guy, he was perfect for me, he would never hurt me. how could someone who i thought would be so sweet to me do something so utterly crushing. Finally when i got around to talking to him about it, I came to understand the circumstances he was under, and forgave him because lets be honest we arent a couple anyway. He promised me never again, we were back on track sworn to just each other or so i thought. The next day , there is another party. This time i was uninvited, and little do i come to find out. He has done it again with his ex. And now im having to catch me breath because the pressure building in my chest is almost unbereable. This is not my boy, this is not how he acts and the fact that we arent speaking is killing me. But he has left me alone, his phone is turned off and for the first time in a while im suddenly feeling like i dont exist. i know he thinks he is leaving me for a good reason but in all honesty i never got to be mad, i never got to express how i felt, we never talked it out. He just turned his phone off and dropped me.
Now to mention her.. the ex girlfriend. I have gotten to know her, and i would say we have become friends and the fact that she would through herself at what she knows to be my boy makes me sick to my stomach. What kinda little bitch would do some shit like that?  She disinvited me to her party with all knowing she could get him drunk enough to hook up with her? Like who does that, after all the shit i have done for you. Why would you do that to me? I have done a lot of shit for that girl and all she does is stab me in the back.

It seems as though recently im not the only ones who have been backstabbed or blindslidded. one of my best guyfriends girl friends just cheated on him. And one of my good girlfriends has an ex boyfriend still saying she is beautiful and he misses her while he is with someone else.

 What i want to know is what happened to all the decent people in the world and

since when did everyone just turn to shit.

To Name a Few..

Way to often, I use my blog as a diary. A way to say poor me, and look at how hard my life tends to be. It has become a rarity that I ever talk about anything other than my latest heartbreak, or my most recent found insecurity and while this year may have been one of the hardest years I have ever gone through, I have recently taken a step back to realize that in the past few months people have been added to my life. These people have taken my heart for a joyride with just how supportive and amazing friends they have come to be. It makes me chuckle a little at just how lucky I really am, and how little I value the important people that have recently come into my life. Without further explanation, I want to share with you the importance of these people and just how amazing an impact they have made on my life. And for the first time, Ill use names, because I want everyone to know how thankful I am.

Thomas: This kid. Thomas is one of those people who I cant go a day without talking to. He has this way of geniunly caring about me and whats going on in my life. I have known him for so long but it wasnt until this year that I learned how truly of an awesome person he is. In all honestly I have never seen him hurt a fly, he is the perfect gentleman, and all he wants to do is see others (especially me) happy. I have never seen a person so dedicated to the happiness of others. There are people in this world that i know for sure he hates, but those people would never know that, because it is impossible for him to be mean to them. He cant bring himself to say a bad word.If he knows what will put someone in a better mood, he does it, he never thinks of himself but more of what he can do for others.  He puts up with my calls at 2am just because im bored and want someone to talk to, he sends me good morning texts just to remind me to have a good day, and always manages to put a smile on my face. All and all Thomas is one of those people who has been through a lot, but doesnt let it bring him down. He just keeps on and I will always look up to him for that.

Carly: Carly and I have never been close. Until just recently, Carly was the girl thats just always been there but I never really had the oppurtunity to know. One day we just started talking, and we really connected. I never took the time out of my busy life to really take the time to get to know her, and for that I will always be dissapointed in myself. Because, I have never become such fast friends with a person as I did with Carly. I could honestly say that this girl has gotten to be one of my close friends. I have never had someone sit down and listen to me go on and on for hours about all my problems and everything I have been experiancing. She is the person I go to when all you want is someone on your side. Sometimes you dont want someones advice, sometimes you just want someone to say "yea they suck ass!" and Thats just who Carly is. She is a fun, loving, and chill girl. Willing to put up with peoples complaints and try and make light of a situation that is tough. She has proved to be important when all i want to do is get it out! With her its all about the fun and letting go of the stupid shit people do!

Mara: Awesome. She is seriously awesome. I dont know why I was never close to this girl before, but now that I am, im holding on and never letting go! Her sarcastic wittyness, and sass is hilarious. I constantly find myself laughing about the things she is saying. I envy her complete free spirit and her ability to detach herself from the situation and look at it in a new way . She is precious and sweet and is honestly starting to become one of my close friends. This girl, while younger than me, seems wiser beyond her years. The advice she knows how to give and the way she thinks is a way that makes me think she is so far above any stupid high school shit. She has a way of telling you exactly what you need to hear, but manages to remain delicate while doing it. I love her personality , the way that when shit gets real she knows what to say, but she also knows how to have a good time. When your with her you almost get the best of both worlds. She never seems to follow the crowd, you can always tell she knows how to make decisions on her own and is a very independent person. Lately, we have really bonded simply over the fact that she is there. She is there for me if I ever need anything, and i mean anything and is always willing to hang out with me if im bored, or lend an ear when im sad, and do something thoughtful just because. Im dissapointed with myself for not noticing sooner just how good of a friend Mara can be, but within these past few months im coming to learn, and I have never been more excited for a friendship to develop.

And those are just to name a few, in all honestly i have great friends. People are always there to watch me back and i would not be anywhere without them.

 Im so thankful for everything that have done for me this year, all that they have put up with, and for simply being themselves.