Hard to Love

Its Like that book the perks of being a wallflower, except for instead its....

" And in that moment I swear we were never infinite. "

But then again, I have a theory that infinite is dumb, because nothing is infitinte. Nothing except for God. Because even the perfect relationship comes to an end. And that just my bitter ass truth.

I knew we were never meant to last, because lets be honest just how long can one thing last? We were destined for failure, but you already know my record for choosing guys destined for failure. As well as my record of choosing guys that are scared.

1.Scared of what everyone else thought

2. Scared of his own feelings

3. Scared of commitment

4.Scared of relationships

5. Scared of my innocence.

and now 6. Scared of himself

He is scared of what he might do to me, or just what he is capable of. I have been battling this with him for a few weeks now. Him constantly suggesting that he is no good for me, like he knows whats best for me. I have continously fought for him when he is the one who fucked up. So recently when he went away again saying that that was what was best for both of us.. I let him. I was so tired of seeming desperate for him and weak without him that I got angry. And I just snapped. I basically gave him permission to never speak to me again. Never again speak to my best friend, that one person who without fail makes me laugh. Never again talk for hours about our passion for dance, and joking over the word PotatoE. (dont ask :)) From the moment I sent that text I have missed it. Its been almost five days sense. And im at a loss for myself, i simply dont know what to do with myself. I havent been sleeping. I want so badly to be strong but Im just not. With every boy I have noticed that Im getting weaker and weaker and more and more attached and I really just need a fun relationship that im not so into. Because I cant continue to feel like this. Its simply exhausting.

Jokes <3

Wanna know the worst part? The worst part is, he doesnt seem to be feeling the same way im feeling about it that I do. He seems to be getting along just fine, happy even like maybe now that im out of his life he can finally move on and happy. I just wish that he cared like i did. Why is it that im always the one fighting for him, doesnt he care too? i know he used to, he used to make me feel like someone special to him, I used to like the think that i was the exception. But its obvious that I wasnt. He just put up a new dance video, to one of my current favorite songs. And Im in love with the dance, but its n ot even like I can congradualate him. Or critic him for that matter. He always used to value my opinion. Okay im gunna stop whining now because that just gotten ridiculous. Basically im trying hard not to text him, but its getting harder and harder. I put it off as long as I can but ill be honest it isnt getting any easier. the only good thing that is coming out of this right now is new inspiration for a dance which im currently working on. But right now im just trying to keep busy.

Playlist of Perfection:

Hard to love - Lee Brice

Posion and Wine - The civil wars

I wont give up - Jason Mraz

Youth - Daughter

Same Mistakes- One Direction

Doing it Wrong - Drake

Not meant to be-Theory of a Deadman

Can I stay - Ray Lamontage

Summertime Sadness- Lana Del Ray

Over You- Miranda Lambert

Made to be Together- Trey Songz

Fix a Heart- Demi Lovato

The Bird- The Weeknd

Won't Stop-Childish Gambino

Glow in the Dark- Chris Brown

I guess now is a good time to mention that I have a playlist for every boy I have dated. Full of songs from when we were together and songs I used to get over them. Music is the closest thing I have ever had to a committed relationship. Im not kidding music is my strongest dedication. I can never sit in silence.