You Know I Wont Last Without You.

 "don't know where I'd be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend, oh yeah"

All of us have that one best friend. I have been best friends with mine since i was in third grade. LITERALLY. Sure i mean we have had our fights but for the past couple of years at high school we really havent been fighting at all we just kinda let stuff blow over because we relized that the little stuff really are not inportant and we only have a short amount of time left before we will most likely end up going are seperate ways. I guess this never really hit me until this year. Its about the time for everyone to do there junior reviews, a major step in our preperation for college. While everyone else is excited and overwhelmed with the unknowing and the future, im terrifed of fighting through the world without my very best friend at my side. So often lately i have felt like she has been slipping through my fingers and i try so hard not to focus on the little time we have left together and more on the great memories i know were going to have.

         I have never once met someone who is more my best friend then she is though. When im a spaz, she isnt. When shes a spaz, im not. Im the adventurous one, and she the one whom ive always looked up to and wanted to be. Shes my good example, my mom, and my sister. Im scared of what life will be like without having her to watch my back and look out for me , correcting my mistakes. Too often i joke that she is my "mom" but i think thats what i love most about her. She cares about me, she is there for me when i need her, and i never have to worry about her leaving me behind.

       I never really talk about how scared i am to lose her with anyone , because honestly it simply feels silly. We still have a year left right? And even in the worst case scenario its not like i will loose her forever and ever amen. So why am i so worried? am i really that dependent on this friendship i have had since a child , or is it just a deeper fear of the changed life i will have without her. Worst of all, what if im scared about the fact that she will replace me, or maybe ill replace her.

     We always joke about how were going to be old grandmas hitting on young men, but what if we grow apart and forget each other? what if two years down the road in college i wont even remember her name?

and i think thats what scares me the most... the fear of not knowing..

you know i wont survive without you...</3

Im telling myself, I'll Be okay

" I dare you to let me be your one and only, promise im worthy to hold in your arms"

Its been awhile, and Alot has happened. SHOCKER, there was a boy. I guarentee he was different. I never felt the way I have felt about someone the way i felt when i was around him. It wasnt awkward, i could literally tell him anything, it didnt feel forced or uncomfortable.Anytime i was with him,i was always laughing, he probably was the nicest guy i have ever liked and yet he had this way to make me feel like i was the sexiest girl in the world.  I would literally count down the days till i could see him, he would call me every night. it was.awesome.People warned me he doesnt do relationships . But i was stupid, and i let him get to me, something i never let myself do. and when he ended it, just like all the boys in my life end up doing, I took it really hard.

I didnt see it coming, it was out of nowhere, i was unprepared.

" Im not fine, Im in pain, Its harder everyday, maybe were better off this way, its better that we break"

He was scared of relationships, i could understand that. He wanted to end it before things got to serious and we would hurt each other anymore, i could understand that. Just because i could understand it, doesnt mean i agree with it. I have never once fought for a guy more than the fight i put up just for him. I have never been the girl to sit on her floor and listen to adele and cry poor me. I have never even concidered taking a guy back after he ends things, but with him i would have just about done anything to be with him. So i was torn up, but hey it was all about me and my friends now right? They were there for me. Except one of my best girlfriends, is his bestgirlfriends.

 .....Ouch

" but go on and take it all, with you, dont look back, at this crumbling fool, just take it all with my love"

Basically it didnt take to much time for me to end up looking like an idiot. He switched lunch tables, i seemed like a crazy emotional fool, and im currently in the proccess of loosing one of my bestfriends over this. She eventually took his side. I was crazy, I was bashing him on twitter, I was the bitch. And although none of that was true, it didnt take to long for her to believe it. And so now everything i say is taken the wrong way, and im terrified that our friendship group is being torn apart. Honestly, im beating myself up inside over just how stupid i let myself be.

Did i really think things were gunna be different for me with him?

Did i really think i was special?

Am i really that concided that i thought a fight would bring him back?

Honestly how much hope and confidence did i have to think that he didnt really mean it, it wasnt really over?

" Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger."

All of this happend in the span of about a month, A month, thats all it took for me to like a guy hopelessly, lose him, confide in one of my best friends, lose her, and now honestly i feel alone. Of course i have other people on my side that have been supporting me through this but i have never felt less independent or stupid. Yesterday i came to reality.

1.) He does not feel for me the way i feel for him, he is done, forever

2.) I may still have feelings for him now, but i am done putting up with this and being treated like the bad guy

3.) I am stronger than this, I have other friends, and I am better than this.

4.) One day me and him will be friends again but for now its too soon for him, he needs his time

5.) I am better, I am stronger, and I am going to be okay..

xoxo, Michelle

Except for Worse, And Worse

Ever since i was lacking confidence and feeling really low on myself my days have seemed to just gotten worse and worse. Im not really going to get into detail about the abundance of things that have been happening to me lately but honestly the amount of bad and negative thats going on in my life is raining out and down on the good. Normally when something bad happens to me i just shake it off and let it slide because i try to maintain happy and carefully. unfortunatly lately i have been feeling to the point of almost depression where i break down over everything and honestly just cant get a grip on my life. I feel like im spinnning out of control and i dont even know how to be myself anymore. I dont really know how to even talk to anyone about this simply because im worried about looking weak and whiny which is somthing i always try to be the opposite of. But if im only happy when i fake it, i feel lonler then ever, and taking a test makes me want to cry my eyes out, somthings gotta give. when dance the one thing that used to be my safe haven and make me happy has become just another contributing factor to my unhappyness something up, and if for some reason i feel like i cant even talk to my best friend about this what does a girl do. I honestly need to be happy for once. And figure out whats wrong with me because i cant continue like this..

Skies are crying, I am watching Catching tear drops in my hands Only silence, as it's ending

Without?

 fake Confidence?.. no problem.. except

         For some reason lately my cofidence is at an all time low and im finding myself to just be very unhappy. I feel like even though i have tons of support from my friends i feel like i look around myself and feel nothing. im not confident in the way i dress or the way i look. Lately i have been even feeling really ugly and unwanted. i look around me and feel like everyone has a special someone except for me. i guess i just havent been realizing how lucky i am and am always craving more, but its so unlike me to be living in such unhappyness especially without confidence at all. I find that im breaking down much easier and i let things bother me that normally wouldnt bother me. i feel weak and just totally not myself.

      I feel like all this started the week before homecoming and from then on it just got worse and worse. Im beginging to wonder if sophmore year was just to good to be true and junior year is just going to be like the relapse or fall back from such a great summer. i need something to keep my focus on because lately i have just kinda found myself floating.. and i dont like it. i atleast need to have some reason to believe that there is hope that things are gunna get better and that this was just another one of michelles months from hell.

im not sure i know how to live without confidence regardless of whether its fake or not. and i need to jumo back into my special place because right now.. i dont even know who i am.

I want to believe in it all again..music and art...fate and love, and I want to believe that I've made the right choices, and I'm still on the right path, and there's still time to fix some mistakes I've made....I guess I want hope

xoxo Michelle

Fire and Gasoline.

So there is a boy ... what a shocker there. i know right im pathetic!  Anyways we have a bit of a history. I dated him or i guess you could call it dating several years back and ever since then i still get nervous when i see him. well lately he has been coming to my house to say hey and we laugh and chat and stuff. And its so aggrivating because literally everytime we start to be friends again i cant help but fall for him. he is annoying and immature but something about our past draws me to him. Its like he is my addiction or something. We have tried to make it work several times before, but we always get distracted. I always thought he would be my first kiss, and that didnt happen. I always thought that one day we would make it work, and that hasnt happened. I dont know what it is about him, we only dated for like two months in eighth grade and we barely ever saw each other, so someone please explain to me why everytime i hang out with him i get butterflies in my stomach, i get jealous when he talks about other girls, and i always feel like there is a piece of me that will always like him.

" Forget all the regrets that are bound to follow.Were like fire and gasoline, im no good for you, your no good for me. We only bring each each other tears and sorrow, but tonight im gunna love you like theres no tomorrow."

A lot of times i simply wonder why i feel so strongly about him. Why is it that my heart will always have a little speical place for him. Is it because he was my "first boyfriend" because my first kiss is not that special to me at all. This boy always messes with my head and my best friend almost automatically expects me to say i like him again just a soon as he falls back into my life. The reasons why we dont work is a totaly different story. But i just want to know if i should give into my temptation and go through the roller coaster of emotions which only ends up in failure again. Or just leave my heart yearning to find out "what if?"

Sometimes i leave this world more confused then not....

<3 Little Michelle