Backstabbing Bitches & Penis Minded Assholes.

So Lately I have been really dissapointed in the human race as a whole. I have come to the conclusion that all girls are backstabbing bitches and all boys are penis minded assholes. And everyone around me seems to be looking at for no one but themselves. To be honest, im no different. It took me being treated like shit in order for me to realize just how much of a bitch I have the capability to be. Regardless, this isnt about me, this is about me stating how simply everyone sucks. EVERYONE! All of my friends it feels like have been telling me about there different problems and it made me see how bad people have gotten to be. It seems as though everyones a cheater these days, since when did that become okay under certain circumstances? In my opinon people in relationships get away with way more than there supposed lately. Lets start with my story shall we?
Basically I liked this guy, but he liked me first. I was soley convinced I didnt like him until I did. Soon enough we had a thing, as much of a thing you can have without actually dating. Do to the fact that he is black and my parents would shoot me. Anyways this boy is going through things, I try to respect his wishes even if it means not speaking to him for a few days. We recently hooked up, and let me ask if you can say A-M-A-Z-I-N-G? Soon after that i really felt like things were good between us, i thouht that we were strong and for the first time i was starting to feel happy! Then came this party, a party that normally im invited to, unfortunatly for me I was out of town for this one. I thought nothing of this party until later what do i find out ? This boy hooked up with his ex girlfriend at this party!! I was so heartbroken so confused so shocked that i didnt know what to do with myself. Everyone had told me he was the good guy, he was perfect for me, he would never hurt me. how could someone who i thought would be so sweet to me do something so utterly crushing. Finally when i got around to talking to him about it, I came to understand the circumstances he was under, and forgave him because lets be honest we arent a couple anyway. He promised me never again, we were back on track sworn to just each other or so i thought. The next day , there is another party. This time i was uninvited, and little do i come to find out. He has done it again with his ex. And now im having to catch me breath because the pressure building in my chest is almost unbereable. This is not my boy, this is not how he acts and the fact that we arent speaking is killing me. But he has left me alone, his phone is turned off and for the first time in a while im suddenly feeling like i dont exist. i know he thinks he is leaving me for a good reason but in all honesty i never got to be mad, i never got to express how i felt, we never talked it out. He just turned his phone off and dropped me.
Now to mention her.. the ex girlfriend. I have gotten to know her, and i would say we have become friends and the fact that she would through herself at what she knows to be my boy makes me sick to my stomach. What kinda little bitch would do some shit like that?  She disinvited me to her party with all knowing she could get him drunk enough to hook up with her? Like who does that, after all the shit i have done for you. Why would you do that to me? I have done a lot of shit for that girl and all she does is stab me in the back.

It seems as though recently im not the only ones who have been backstabbed or blindslidded. one of my best guyfriends girl friends just cheated on him. And one of my good girlfriends has an ex boyfriend still saying she is beautiful and he misses her while he is with someone else.

 What i want to know is what happened to all the decent people in the world and

since when did everyone just turn to shit.

To Name a Few..

Way to often, I use my blog as a diary. A way to say poor me, and look at how hard my life tends to be. It has become a rarity that I ever talk about anything other than my latest heartbreak, or my most recent found insecurity and while this year may have been one of the hardest years I have ever gone through, I have recently taken a step back to realize that in the past few months people have been added to my life. These people have taken my heart for a joyride with just how supportive and amazing friends they have come to be. It makes me chuckle a little at just how lucky I really am, and how little I value the important people that have recently come into my life. Without further explanation, I want to share with you the importance of these people and just how amazing an impact they have made on my life. And for the first time, Ill use names, because I want everyone to know how thankful I am.

Thomas: This kid. Thomas is one of those people who I cant go a day without talking to. He has this way of geniunly caring about me and whats going on in my life. I have known him for so long but it wasnt until this year that I learned how truly of an awesome person he is. In all honestly I have never seen him hurt a fly, he is the perfect gentleman, and all he wants to do is see others (especially me) happy. I have never seen a person so dedicated to the happiness of others. There are people in this world that i know for sure he hates, but those people would never know that, because it is impossible for him to be mean to them. He cant bring himself to say a bad word.If he knows what will put someone in a better mood, he does it, he never thinks of himself but more of what he can do for others.  He puts up with my calls at 2am just because im bored and want someone to talk to, he sends me good morning texts just to remind me to have a good day, and always manages to put a smile on my face. All and all Thomas is one of those people who has been through a lot, but doesnt let it bring him down. He just keeps on and I will always look up to him for that.

Carly: Carly and I have never been close. Until just recently, Carly was the girl thats just always been there but I never really had the oppurtunity to know. One day we just started talking, and we really connected. I never took the time out of my busy life to really take the time to get to know her, and for that I will always be dissapointed in myself. Because, I have never become such fast friends with a person as I did with Carly. I could honestly say that this girl has gotten to be one of my close friends. I have never had someone sit down and listen to me go on and on for hours about all my problems and everything I have been experiancing. She is the person I go to when all you want is someone on your side. Sometimes you dont want someones advice, sometimes you just want someone to say "yea they suck ass!" and Thats just who Carly is. She is a fun, loving, and chill girl. Willing to put up with peoples complaints and try and make light of a situation that is tough. She has proved to be important when all i want to do is get it out! With her its all about the fun and letting go of the stupid shit people do!

Mara: Awesome. She is seriously awesome. I dont know why I was never close to this girl before, but now that I am, im holding on and never letting go! Her sarcastic wittyness, and sass is hilarious. I constantly find myself laughing about the things she is saying. I envy her complete free spirit and her ability to detach herself from the situation and look at it in a new way . She is precious and sweet and is honestly starting to become one of my close friends. This girl, while younger than me, seems wiser beyond her years. The advice she knows how to give and the way she thinks is a way that makes me think she is so far above any stupid high school shit. She has a way of telling you exactly what you need to hear, but manages to remain delicate while doing it. I love her personality , the way that when shit gets real she knows what to say, but she also knows how to have a good time. When your with her you almost get the best of both worlds. She never seems to follow the crowd, you can always tell she knows how to make decisions on her own and is a very independent person. Lately, we have really bonded simply over the fact that she is there. She is there for me if I ever need anything, and i mean anything and is always willing to hang out with me if im bored, or lend an ear when im sad, and do something thoughtful just because. Im dissapointed with myself for not noticing sooner just how good of a friend Mara can be, but within these past few months im coming to learn, and I have never been more excited for a friendship to develop.

And those are just to name a few, in all honestly i have great friends. People are always there to watch me back and i would not be anywhere without them.

 Im so thankful for everything that have done for me this year, all that they have put up with, and for simply being themselves.

What do you want from me?

So it was dance show week. My most favorite week of the semester. Full of high stress, tears from graduating seniors, and a perfect opportunity to bond with everyone. There he was though, that boy, and although i may still like him,the feelings i have for him had settled into a constant numbness. A feeling that i just excepted as being there, but knew nothing was going to happen and i would have to deal with the permanent loss of him .Ourfriendship was improving though, i was learning to tolerate more of him, and his flirtyness i learned to deal with as nothing more than a display of our friendship. After the first night of the dance show i get a text from his saying "LOVE YOU, Goodnight :)" nothing more nothing less. While i didnt think much of this and knew it was simply a kinda gesture or yet another symbolization of our friendship it still stung a bit. Thats all it took, one text message for certain memories of him to come flooding back to me. If that would have been all, i would have been fine, i would not be in such a hopeless and desperate place that i am now. But of course not. He couldnt just leave me could he? He had to push further, knowing his quant charm and adorable looks could suck me back in with

one.

long.

phonecall.

Friday night of the dance show, we were messing around like always just causal friend stuff and he looks at me. I mean really looks at me. And he says your so naive you know that right? I chased him down, begged him to tell me what that ment , but no matter what i said he wouldnt budge. Said he would text me that night to explain to me what was up. But i never got that text that night. Instead I got a call. A call to explain to me that im naive because i assume he doesnt miss me. Doesnt miss me as in the relationship we used to have. And that even though he loves that other girl, he still gets happy when he sees me, and he misses talking to me everyday. We talked for a little over an hour about his current relationship and how things used to be. He asked me the last time we had talked like this, told me he didnt have any intention of kissing her when he did, and even after he didnt want to date her, for the same reason he didnt want to date me.. distance. He told me He still thought i was pretty, which i immediatly told him not to tell me that, that it wasnt fair. While i never came out and said it, he knows i still have feelings for him, but i would never act on them because of my best friend. I could never wish upon her the pain that i feel everyday. And while there relationship is so much stronger than me and his ever was. I still am overprotective over her , and i worry that he will hurt her. Since we also talked about the faults in there relationship, such as there distance, and the need for her to control him. Im not going out to say they wont work out or that he doesnt have feelings for her its obvious that he does.. All im saying is that in that hour conversation i was reminded of all of the old times and the worst part of all, when we hung up i felt like i was loosing him all over again. That pain and those feelings came right back full force. and so now here i am hanging on to something thats not even there. and while i know that phone call may have ment nothing to him, it gave me hope for something created by my imagination.



Why’d you call me today with nothing new to say?
You pretend it’s just hello, but you know what it does to me to see your number on the phone.

Now tell me, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me?
Are you tryin’ to bring back the tears or just the memories?
You keep takin’ me back, takin’ me back where I’ve already been.
When we hang up it’s almost like I’m losing you again.

She Who Dares..

"She can love you more than I could, she who dares to stand where I stood"

We were all waiting for it to happen, it was alsmot as if the world was standing by watching as my world came to a break down before me. Saturday morning was the d-day, the point of no return, and the day i had tried hoplessly to avoid for so long. My ex and one of my best friends kissed. There now together. And why more than anything im wishing for them to be happy together, its extremly hard for me not to be the least bit selfish in this situation. When my friend confessed it to me, she was so worried about my feelings and how i feel, but you know that was okay, because she should have been worried. Regardless of the situation it is pretty fucked up for your friend and your ex to be dating. I have to surrender my pride though, and be happy for them both. Because in all honestly i could not have picked a more perfect couple for each other. They literally have everything in common, and all i want for the two of them is to be happy. Unfortuantly for me, i cant have there happiness without a little bit of humilation and pity from others on my part. When people find out i feel like all eyes are on me to see just how im handling the situation, but in everyones eyes im being

strong, tough, and unafraid.

In the end though its all okay, because while things with my past love life may not be so clean cut and straight forward, its safe for me to say that i have almost entirely moved on from that. Remember my good guy friend? the one i was sooo convinced  i didnt have feelings for..we can just go ahead and say.Things may have changed.

fuck the haters anyway, im a sex kitten
:)

Pour me some Vodka

Everyone says junior year is the worst . Everyone says the classes are hard and the social life is even harder. Let's just say.... I severally underestimated just how serious they were. Not only are the classes ridiculous and time consuming, I have never had such a drama and tear filled year . I only have dated two guys this year, both very sweet, and both hurt me worse than I think I have ever been hurt before. If I'm honest with myself, I will tell you that I still have feelings for one of them and it literally kills me just to talk to him or see him around at school. But I push through suck it up and do it because I know if I shut him out of y life completely I would be even more miserable than I am now. So my heart is constantly hurting, and I'm still getting nauseous , and there is still songs I can't play without ruining my entire day. Since when did I let myself fall so hard as to get so completely attached to him? I keep wishing for someone to distract me.
But be careful what you wish for. Recently one of my very good guy friends confessed to having feeling for me. I don't want to mess up this friendship that I feel so close to and love so much but I honestly just can not bring myself to feel the same way about him. last time one of my guy friends told me he had feelings for me and I didn't feel the same he didn't speak to me for a month and I was literally heart broken. All I want to do is keep our friendship the same, unawkward, original , and ours. I'm not trying to complicate it especially with him going to college. I feel like the biggest douche bag ever. I literally am almost in tears over it every time his name pops up on my phone. And speaking of best friends problems on the weight of your shoulders.
One of my best friends just lost her virginity over the course of spring break to a guy who ended things with her shortly after. Once hearing that I immediately broke down in tears crying for her because I was so sad thy she is having to go through that. I sit and think about it all day long, worrying about her and wanting to remove his penis from his body fry it and watch it burn. You can mess with me, but you sure as hell can't mess with my friends.
What happens though when your friends begin messing with you? Remember my friend, who called me and said she didn't want to be my friend. It's gotten to the point where I can't look at her. It literally tears me apart everyday. There will be days where I am fine and others where I will come to last period nearly in tears. To be honest I'm just so sick of being hurt this year. I'm so sick of physically feelin my heart have pain. Pour me some damn vodka and get me the hell out of here.