Only Cry Once.

I love to cry, I cry all the time. Crying makes me feel relieved. It solves all my problems. But there is nothing more i hate in the world than appearing weak. When something bad, something that really deserves a cry happens to me, i simply refuse. I hate seeming like i let the world get the best of me. And most of all, I hate letting people know about it .I wear my heart on my sleeve, and everytime i get hurt i want to hit myself for doing it. And when a situation happens, a full deserving cry, i only allow myself to show weakness once, i only let a cry out once, i refuse to let people see that im not okay. I refuse to show people that the girl who always has her shit together isnt okay.Its embarassing to me. Im pretending like im okay, please dont interupt my performance alright?

Today, it happened, the inevitable, the thing that we all saw coming. The thing i had been waiting for, fighting against, but eventually would come, happend. He ended things with me. I was so hurt, i wanted to throw away the rest of the day sit in my room and cry. But i refuse to let the world win, i sat down on my floor, i told my mom, and i cried, i cried once. and only once. and after that, i was okay. I pulled myself together, and i didnt pity myself. I was even laughing. But then the unexpected happened, something i didnt see coming.

One of my very best friends told me she didnt want to be my friend anymore, i was a bitch, i treat her like shit. Do you know how hard it is to sit back and take that from someone who you have been friends with for almost three years now? ill fill you in... incredibly hard. unbearbly hard. I cried once, tried to pull myself together, and i almost did. Until my other friend texting me telling me, i cant always fool the world. I cant always pretend like nothing effects me and i dont have a heart. I have to care, i have to show my emotions and its okay to not always be happy. i am human after all. So now here i sit, and im crying, and im crying a lot. And you know what? for now its okay for me to be sad, it almost feels good to cry, but tomorrow. tomorrow, im tough, strong, happy, and up on my feet. no one brings me down. and if they do they wont know it. :)

My heart is just so tired.

xoxo michelle

Wretched Days

Today was just one of those day were literally everything got under my skin. I felt as though I was under my breaking point all day, that maybe i would explode with tears at any minute. Everything was building up, Everything was tearing me down, and all i wanted to do was sit in my room, light a candle and cry. Dance, which used to be my biggest get away, my biggest motivator, has taken a tole for the worst, almost becoming my worst enemy. I find my happiness quielty surrendering whenever i enter the doors of my studio. Just like the good feelings slowly drift away, I always try to add comic relief to the ever stressful life at dance because simply i enjoy having a good time. Usually that comic relief is taken as annoying and immature. But lets face it, im almost seventeen im not mature at all. and all i wanna do is have a little fun. So please shoot me, bury my head in the sand , and shun me for it, because if you cant have a good time then i dont want your negativity bringing me down anyways. I constantly feel out of the loop at dance, the awkward one or the one who doesnt have a friend. While im sure most of the other girls dont see it that way, i always feel so out of place. Which is unlike me to not be confident in every situation. Why in dance do i feel like the joke is always on me? im sick of the drama and the wy people treat each other, i just want to be apart of the fun,...obvioulsy to much to ask.

And then there is still him, he lately has been seeming to bring me down. I know he is stressed out from his sport and all. But im still not getting that reasurance i would have hoped for. Probably even less than the last time. I feel like a needy and whining girl, but if it comes to the fact that we dont talk unless i text you first, we have a problem. I really like him, but im not that strong. and im not so sure how much more of this "put on the back burner" i can really take.

I could use a little reassurance.

What is It with me and the wrong guy? Why can't I ever seem to like the guy with no attachments, the free standing guy, a loan wolf? I seem to have a habit of falling for a guy that is destined for failure. Maybe I just like the challenge, or the knowing that it cant be too serious or last to long, or maybe Im simply unlucky. I pride myself on being a strong girl, I hardly ever take break ups to hard, and I usually let the men follow me, never the other way around. Until now....



Please remember me , Im not sure if I can let you go



Here he comes, He is short, freaking adorable, and I have decided it is simply a ridiculous and impossible task not to smile when Im around him. Everything he says makes me laugh, and I have yet to find something about him that I dont enjoy. Except for the fact that I constantly get the feeling im way more into him then he is into me. In the begining, he would call me every night, text me all day long, and was always dying to hang out with me. So what suddenly changed? What could I have done to push him away so much that I am constantly praying that maybe he will text me today? I recently went an entire weekend not receving so much as a text from him. like what the hell? we had never gone a day without talking let alone a weekend. I find myself in a constant worry. Im over analyzing everything between us, and for the first time, I have experianced what it is like to be so insanly jealous of someone . Never before have I worried about who my boyfriend was talking to or hanging out with.. until now.

What is it about this boy that makes me show all my weaknesses that I have prided myself on never showing anyone before. All i want to do is be with him all the time, and that is just something i have never felt. and if im honest with myself i will say that it scares me .

                                                          am i just paranoid?

are things between us really as bad as i make them out to be?

Honestly it seems like every time i have a concern or he gives me the cold shoulder. Almost instantly he replases it with a good thing about him. So its almost like i can never be upset with him for too long. Not that he even knows i have concered thoughts about his feelings for me all the time.

is it because i have held out to long on us kissing?

was she really right? its that all my fault?

So we havent kissed yet? Is that a big deal? Its not like we havent talked about it. He knows about my extreme innocence. Its not like we dont want to . It just hasnt presented itself with the right time. I just have never understood the big deal with taking things slow. I have never kissed just for fun, when i kiss someone its because i have strong feelings for them and thats a representation of that.

is it because were not dating?

do we need to have that offical title for him to feel the need to constantly display his feelings?

He always tells me that he treats me just like a girlfriend. But would you really go a whole weekend without talking to a girlfriend? Would you leave a girlfriend wondering if your feelings for her are even still exsistant? I think not.

But im a big girl. I need to grow up. I have never been needy and Im not about to start now. I should believe that if he was starting to have feelings for "her" he would tell me. This isnt middle school. And im not saying he treats me like shit.. all im saying is I could use a little more reassurance.



You Know I Wont Last Without You.

 "don't know where I'd be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend, oh yeah"

All of us have that one best friend. I have been best friends with mine since i was in third grade. LITERALLY. Sure i mean we have had our fights but for the past couple of years at high school we really havent been fighting at all we just kinda let stuff blow over because we relized that the little stuff really are not inportant and we only have a short amount of time left before we will most likely end up going are seperate ways. I guess this never really hit me until this year. Its about the time for everyone to do there junior reviews, a major step in our preperation for college. While everyone else is excited and overwhelmed with the unknowing and the future, im terrifed of fighting through the world without my very best friend at my side. So often lately i have felt like she has been slipping through my fingers and i try so hard not to focus on the little time we have left together and more on the great memories i know were going to have.

         I have never once met someone who is more my best friend then she is though. When im a spaz, she isnt. When shes a spaz, im not. Im the adventurous one, and she the one whom ive always looked up to and wanted to be. Shes my good example, my mom, and my sister. Im scared of what life will be like without having her to watch my back and look out for me , correcting my mistakes. Too often i joke that she is my "mom" but i think thats what i love most about her. She cares about me, she is there for me when i need her, and i never have to worry about her leaving me behind.

       I never really talk about how scared i am to lose her with anyone , because honestly it simply feels silly. We still have a year left right? And even in the worst case scenario its not like i will loose her forever and ever amen. So why am i so worried? am i really that dependent on this friendship i have had since a child , or is it just a deeper fear of the changed life i will have without her. Worst of all, what if im scared about the fact that she will replace me, or maybe ill replace her.

     We always joke about how were going to be old grandmas hitting on young men, but what if we grow apart and forget each other? what if two years down the road in college i wont even remember her name?

and i think thats what scares me the most... the fear of not knowing..

you know i wont survive without you...</3

Im telling myself, I'll Be okay

" I dare you to let me be your one and only, promise im worthy to hold in your arms"

Its been awhile, and Alot has happened. SHOCKER, there was a boy. I guarentee he was different. I never felt the way I have felt about someone the way i felt when i was around him. It wasnt awkward, i could literally tell him anything, it didnt feel forced or uncomfortable.Anytime i was with him,i was always laughing, he probably was the nicest guy i have ever liked and yet he had this way to make me feel like i was the sexiest girl in the world.  I would literally count down the days till i could see him, he would call me every night. it was.awesome.People warned me he doesnt do relationships . But i was stupid, and i let him get to me, something i never let myself do. and when he ended it, just like all the boys in my life end up doing, I took it really hard.

I didnt see it coming, it was out of nowhere, i was unprepared.

" Im not fine, Im in pain, Its harder everyday, maybe were better off this way, its better that we break"

He was scared of relationships, i could understand that. He wanted to end it before things got to serious and we would hurt each other anymore, i could understand that. Just because i could understand it, doesnt mean i agree with it. I have never once fought for a guy more than the fight i put up just for him. I have never been the girl to sit on her floor and listen to adele and cry poor me. I have never even concidered taking a guy back after he ends things, but with him i would have just about done anything to be with him. So i was torn up, but hey it was all about me and my friends now right? They were there for me. Except one of my best girlfriends, is his bestgirlfriends.

 .....Ouch

" but go on and take it all, with you, dont look back, at this crumbling fool, just take it all with my love"

Basically it didnt take to much time for me to end up looking like an idiot. He switched lunch tables, i seemed like a crazy emotional fool, and im currently in the proccess of loosing one of my bestfriends over this. She eventually took his side. I was crazy, I was bashing him on twitter, I was the bitch. And although none of that was true, it didnt take to long for her to believe it. And so now everything i say is taken the wrong way, and im terrified that our friendship group is being torn apart. Honestly, im beating myself up inside over just how stupid i let myself be.

Did i really think things were gunna be different for me with him?

Did i really think i was special?

Am i really that concided that i thought a fight would bring him back?

Honestly how much hope and confidence did i have to think that he didnt really mean it, it wasnt really over?

" Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger."

All of this happend in the span of about a month, A month, thats all it took for me to like a guy hopelessly, lose him, confide in one of my best friends, lose her, and now honestly i feel alone. Of course i have other people on my side that have been supporting me through this but i have never felt less independent or stupid. Yesterday i came to reality.

1.) He does not feel for me the way i feel for him, he is done, forever

2.) I may still have feelings for him now, but i am done putting up with this and being treated like the bad guy

3.) I am stronger than this, I have other friends, and I am better than this.

4.) One day me and him will be friends again but for now its too soon for him, he needs his time

5.) I am better, I am stronger, and I am going to be okay..

xoxo, Michelle