Hit it and Quit It

So when I first started this blog, I meant for it to be a way for me to get out my feelings without going crazy on someone, however I like to keep it public because it was almost like I was wishing for that person i was refering to, to find it and read it. For them to understand how I was feeling, without me trying to be something im not. just 100% emotional and weak michelle. Along the way however, someone did stumble across it, someone I could trust and while I got used to them always knowing exactly to a T what was on my mind, I got a bit to comfortable in giving out my url to just anyone who wants to listen. It almost became a need for attention its getting to be a bit to ridiculous. It has become a diary that just about anyone can read, and thats just a little more open than i wanted to be. It has gotten to the point that I am having to think about what I post before I post it, because of who might see it, and who it might offend. I feel like this is no longer for me and now it is for my friends who read it instead of me just trying to clear my head. I understand that I do have followers reading this other than friends who for some odd reason are  interested in my life. And those few people will follow me to my new URL address. im doing this because its along time coming and as my life gets more complicated and complex before high school comes to an end i really need this little bit of space to just be about me. That way I can return to writing about whoever and whatever I have the desire to write about. However, i do realize that this is still the internet and it is accessible to whomever has the patience to read about my overdramtatic rampage. But it is my wish to keep this on the internet just because it makes me feel like im being heard even if i most definitly am not. Anyways  so If you happen to come across my new URL, than more power to you, just know that this will be my complete and utter truth and whatever comes to mind about anyone will be posted. I refuse to hold back and if you stumble on it. Dont be offended, because it was your choice to do so. So yea.. I guess thats all. Oh and for those of you who have been checking up on me by reading this just to know whats really going on in my life. I appreciate it, the fact that you care that much if any literally means the world to me. Thanks LOVES!!!

PEACE OUT BITCHES

The Struggle Is Real.

It has been quite sometime since I have posted anything, and that simply because well. There hasnt been anything to dramatic or horrible to tell about. Life has been pretty chill, and that makes me happy. Im really trying to concentrate hard on just cutting loose, and not sweating the small stuff. I think if i can manage to do that I will have a really good senior year, and that is all I have ever wanted. So basically you might have noticed that I vent about ever extreme feeling on here. Everything that I am feeling at the time put in a way that is not sugar coated and completely honest. So while my life may be pretty chill, and grand right now I am going to take this time to fill you in on a few "struggles" that are still getting under my skin.

For one there is drivers ed. It is the most completely pointless and stupidest set of learning materials that I have ever had my hands on. I guess the worst part about it is the fact that I am honestly doing it for no point whatsoever. Im seventeen which means that legally I can take my test without putting up with this bullshit that is drivers ed. Also, because I am taking this "fantastic " course online it is saving my parents 0 dollars in insurance. Yes you heard me, zero dollars. Our insurance company does not allow drivers ed to be done online for the sake of saving money on insurance. So in all honesty, im doing this for absoltely no reason. And thats really really pissing me off.

Speaking of drivers ed, i have never been more nervous for a test in my entire life. I might as well be shaking in my boots. I have never had official training in a car with a driving instructor and so im so scared that that might set me back on the test. Also there is parking, parking makes me so nervous i think i might puke. I hope I can pass, and im mostly worried about passing because if I dont, that will probably be the single most humiliating moment of my entire life. Yea no, it will be.

Fun Fact: I think i have decided to name my car Margo, I read this book called paper towns by john green and i feel in love with the character of Margo and so I thought she was a good representation of what my car makes me think of. Mysterious, Adventurous, Puzziling And now i just seem retarded so im going to stop talking.

For those of you wondering about the boy, things are still at a standstill. We barely talk and when we do , the most I get is a few word responses. So i guess you could say my motivation is deterorating. The thing that kills me the most is that i used to mean the world to him and now he seems okay with just driffting away from me. And that hurts , that hurts worse than almost anything because its like i am seeing the closeness we had literally deteriorate in front of my eyes. And there is absolutly nothing that I can do to stop it, or even slow it down. I may have won many battles with him, but I was never intended to win the war.

In all honesty, I just get lonely, when it seems like everyone around you has that special someone, and your just left in the dust its hard not to feel so alone. Then i Just stop and realize that im not really lonley and its not that no one wants me or that im not good enough. Its simply because im so damn sexy that i intimidate the hell out of everyone else. And that is really just all there is to it. Haha , no but really, i just need someone to talk to, do you know how long it has been since i eas able to flirt with someone? Like longer than the time is takes for grass to grow, get cut and grow again. and thats a crazy long time.

I have been asked to set a piece on a proffesional company by one of my teachers at my dance school. it took me forever to convince myself that I was capable and strong enough to do it . Im planning on doing a piece to a song called youth .Its basically just about how eventually everyone gets effected by a heart brake. and its almost possible to avoid your first one. I find that first heartbreaks are almost always the hardest to get over just because you have never had a feeling so strong. Now I do not clame to have ever experianced true heartbrake, because in all honesty I have never come to the conclusion that I am truley in love. But I do know what it is like to have lost someone you care for deeply. And so i really want to do a piece first representing the extreme innocence and just how dramatic and more grown up you have to become after you loose your first love. Honestly, i have never been more terrified. just working on the chereography makes me so nervous because I want it to be amazing. Im often intimidated by other peoples artwork, constantly compairing myself to theres and wondering why didnt i think of that or why isnt mine good enough?? I can never be completely satisfied with what i have to offer and that really stresses me out.

Well that was long and ramably and probably made absolutely no sense at all. But there was so much I just needed to get out and so i figured i would just mush them all together. So while my life right now is actually really chill, I always have my few complaints lol. MWAH!

Hard to Love

Its Like that book the perks of being a wallflower, except for instead its....

" And in that moment I swear we were never infinite. "

But then again, I have a theory that infinite is dumb, because nothing is infitinte. Nothing except for God. Because even the perfect relationship comes to an end. And that just my bitter ass truth.

I knew we were never meant to last, because lets be honest just how long can one thing last? We were destined for failure, but you already know my record for choosing guys destined for failure. As well as my record of choosing guys that are scared.

1.Scared of what everyone else thought

2. Scared of his own feelings

3. Scared of commitment

4.Scared of relationships

5. Scared of my innocence.

and now 6. Scared of himself

He is scared of what he might do to me, or just what he is capable of. I have been battling this with him for a few weeks now. Him constantly suggesting that he is no good for me, like he knows whats best for me. I have continously fought for him when he is the one who fucked up. So recently when he went away again saying that that was what was best for both of us.. I let him. I was so tired of seeming desperate for him and weak without him that I got angry. And I just snapped. I basically gave him permission to never speak to me again. Never again speak to my best friend, that one person who without fail makes me laugh. Never again talk for hours about our passion for dance, and joking over the word PotatoE. (dont ask :)) From the moment I sent that text I have missed it. Its been almost five days sense. And im at a loss for myself, i simply dont know what to do with myself. I havent been sleeping. I want so badly to be strong but Im just not. With every boy I have noticed that Im getting weaker and weaker and more and more attached and I really just need a fun relationship that im not so into. Because I cant continue to feel like this. Its simply exhausting.

Jokes <3

Wanna know the worst part? The worst part is, he doesnt seem to be feeling the same way im feeling about it that I do. He seems to be getting along just fine, happy even like maybe now that im out of his life he can finally move on and happy. I just wish that he cared like i did. Why is it that im always the one fighting for him, doesnt he care too? i know he used to, he used to make me feel like someone special to him, I used to like the think that i was the exception. But its obvious that I wasnt. He just put up a new dance video, to one of my current favorite songs. And Im in love with the dance, but its n ot even like I can congradualate him. Or critic him for that matter. He always used to value my opinion. Okay im gunna stop whining now because that just gotten ridiculous. Basically im trying hard not to text him, but its getting harder and harder. I put it off as long as I can but ill be honest it isnt getting any easier. the only good thing that is coming out of this right now is new inspiration for a dance which im currently working on. But right now im just trying to keep busy.

Playlist of Perfection:

Hard to love - Lee Brice

Posion and Wine - The civil wars

I wont give up - Jason Mraz

Youth - Daughter

Same Mistakes- One Direction

Doing it Wrong - Drake

Not meant to be-Theory of a Deadman

Can I stay - Ray Lamontage

Summertime Sadness- Lana Del Ray

Over You- Miranda Lambert

Made to be Together- Trey Songz

Fix a Heart- Demi Lovato

The Bird- The Weeknd

Won't Stop-Childish Gambino

Glow in the Dark- Chris Brown

I guess now is a good time to mention that I have a playlist for every boy I have dated. Full of songs from when we were together and songs I used to get over them. Music is the closest thing I have ever had to a committed relationship. Im not kidding music is my strongest dedication. I can never sit in silence. 



To Give A Chance Too Many.

So by now you know him. You know the guy with the ex and the drunk hooking up. And by now your wondering why I havnt said peace out bitch to his ass and moved on to someone else. Im wondering the same things myself a little bit, but here the deal. I cant. I honestly dont want anyone else right now. Right now he is all i see and I cant help but wonder if there is such a thing as a chance to many. Is the fact that im willing to give him my trust again a sign that im just desperate or that he has some sort of power over me convincing me he wont ever do it again . Im a little shocked and even a bit dissapointed in myself with the fact that I want to forgive him and trust him again and yet im doing it anyways. And in all honesty i dont give a damn. He makes me happy, he makes me happy even just being my best friend. I like him, but if I had to i could supress my feelings and just be his freind simply because i understand him and i like being around him. He makes me feel most comfortable and most like myself almost as much as some of my best friends. I simply want to talk to him all the time and if I dont my day feels as though its lacking something.

However, Im constantly getting the vibe that he simply does not feel the same way that i do about the situstion. I am one who likes to talk out the issues while he is one who simply walks away and says that he cant handle it. Just today i got a text from him saying " Hey we need to talk" Those five little words that can mean life changing or otherwise determental things to any form of relationship . And im scared of the outcome of that phone call. I admit im scared of him saying that its over, and i dont just mean relationship over, i mean over. No contact over. He has threatened that so many times and it terrifies me. I dont do well with dropping people i need to hold on . IM ALWAYS ATTACHED. He is always saying that his only way out, that he doesnt trust himsef around me, he doesnt see himself as a good enough person to have a third chance with me. And if im honest, i dont trust him yet, I just dont he is going to have to build it up again and learn some real self discipline which i think he has finally realized. He has said to me that he needs to really fix himself as a person and anaylize if he is the kinda person who does things like that. And thats something i can respect. I just hope  that that doesnt cut me out of his life completely. Because there is only so much of that that i could take without him. And so call me that hopeless damsel, because here i am giving him a chance too many and hoping for the best.

Backstabbing Bitches & Penis Minded Assholes.

So Lately I have been really dissapointed in the human race as a whole. I have come to the conclusion that all girls are backstabbing bitches and all boys are penis minded assholes. And everyone around me seems to be looking at for no one but themselves. To be honest, im no different. It took me being treated like shit in order for me to realize just how much of a bitch I have the capability to be. Regardless, this isnt about me, this is about me stating how simply everyone sucks. EVERYONE! All of my friends it feels like have been telling me about there different problems and it made me see how bad people have gotten to be. It seems as though everyones a cheater these days, since when did that become okay under certain circumstances? In my opinon people in relationships get away with way more than there supposed lately. Lets start with my story shall we?
Basically I liked this guy, but he liked me first. I was soley convinced I didnt like him until I did. Soon enough we had a thing, as much of a thing you can have without actually dating. Do to the fact that he is black and my parents would shoot me. Anyways this boy is going through things, I try to respect his wishes even if it means not speaking to him for a few days. We recently hooked up, and let me ask if you can say A-M-A-Z-I-N-G? Soon after that i really felt like things were good between us, i thouht that we were strong and for the first time i was starting to feel happy! Then came this party, a party that normally im invited to, unfortunatly for me I was out of town for this one. I thought nothing of this party until later what do i find out ? This boy hooked up with his ex girlfriend at this party!! I was so heartbroken so confused so shocked that i didnt know what to do with myself. Everyone had told me he was the good guy, he was perfect for me, he would never hurt me. how could someone who i thought would be so sweet to me do something so utterly crushing. Finally when i got around to talking to him about it, I came to understand the circumstances he was under, and forgave him because lets be honest we arent a couple anyway. He promised me never again, we were back on track sworn to just each other or so i thought. The next day , there is another party. This time i was uninvited, and little do i come to find out. He has done it again with his ex. And now im having to catch me breath because the pressure building in my chest is almost unbereable. This is not my boy, this is not how he acts and the fact that we arent speaking is killing me. But he has left me alone, his phone is turned off and for the first time in a while im suddenly feeling like i dont exist. i know he thinks he is leaving me for a good reason but in all honesty i never got to be mad, i never got to express how i felt, we never talked it out. He just turned his phone off and dropped me.
Now to mention her.. the ex girlfriend. I have gotten to know her, and i would say we have become friends and the fact that she would through herself at what she knows to be my boy makes me sick to my stomach. What kinda little bitch would do some shit like that?  She disinvited me to her party with all knowing she could get him drunk enough to hook up with her? Like who does that, after all the shit i have done for you. Why would you do that to me? I have done a lot of shit for that girl and all she does is stab me in the back.

It seems as though recently im not the only ones who have been backstabbed or blindslidded. one of my best guyfriends girl friends just cheated on him. And one of my good girlfriends has an ex boyfriend still saying she is beautiful and he misses her while he is with someone else.

 What i want to know is what happened to all the decent people in the world and

since when did everyone just turn to shit.

To Name a Few..

Way to often, I use my blog as a diary. A way to say poor me, and look at how hard my life tends to be. It has become a rarity that I ever talk about anything other than my latest heartbreak, or my most recent found insecurity and while this year may have been one of the hardest years I have ever gone through, I have recently taken a step back to realize that in the past few months people have been added to my life. These people have taken my heart for a joyride with just how supportive and amazing friends they have come to be. It makes me chuckle a little at just how lucky I really am, and how little I value the important people that have recently come into my life. Without further explanation, I want to share with you the importance of these people and just how amazing an impact they have made on my life. And for the first time, Ill use names, because I want everyone to know how thankful I am.

Thomas: This kid. Thomas is one of those people who I cant go a day without talking to. He has this way of geniunly caring about me and whats going on in my life. I have known him for so long but it wasnt until this year that I learned how truly of an awesome person he is. In all honestly I have never seen him hurt a fly, he is the perfect gentleman, and all he wants to do is see others (especially me) happy. I have never seen a person so dedicated to the happiness of others. There are people in this world that i know for sure he hates, but those people would never know that, because it is impossible for him to be mean to them. He cant bring himself to say a bad word.If he knows what will put someone in a better mood, he does it, he never thinks of himself but more of what he can do for others.  He puts up with my calls at 2am just because im bored and want someone to talk to, he sends me good morning texts just to remind me to have a good day, and always manages to put a smile on my face. All and all Thomas is one of those people who has been through a lot, but doesnt let it bring him down. He just keeps on and I will always look up to him for that.

Carly: Carly and I have never been close. Until just recently, Carly was the girl thats just always been there but I never really had the oppurtunity to know. One day we just started talking, and we really connected. I never took the time out of my busy life to really take the time to get to know her, and for that I will always be dissapointed in myself. Because, I have never become such fast friends with a person as I did with Carly. I could honestly say that this girl has gotten to be one of my close friends. I have never had someone sit down and listen to me go on and on for hours about all my problems and everything I have been experiancing. She is the person I go to when all you want is someone on your side. Sometimes you dont want someones advice, sometimes you just want someone to say "yea they suck ass!" and Thats just who Carly is. She is a fun, loving, and chill girl. Willing to put up with peoples complaints and try and make light of a situation that is tough. She has proved to be important when all i want to do is get it out! With her its all about the fun and letting go of the stupid shit people do!

Mara: Awesome. She is seriously awesome. I dont know why I was never close to this girl before, but now that I am, im holding on and never letting go! Her sarcastic wittyness, and sass is hilarious. I constantly find myself laughing about the things she is saying. I envy her complete free spirit and her ability to detach herself from the situation and look at it in a new way . She is precious and sweet and is honestly starting to become one of my close friends. This girl, while younger than me, seems wiser beyond her years. The advice she knows how to give and the way she thinks is a way that makes me think she is so far above any stupid high school shit. She has a way of telling you exactly what you need to hear, but manages to remain delicate while doing it. I love her personality , the way that when shit gets real she knows what to say, but she also knows how to have a good time. When your with her you almost get the best of both worlds. She never seems to follow the crowd, you can always tell she knows how to make decisions on her own and is a very independent person. Lately, we have really bonded simply over the fact that she is there. She is there for me if I ever need anything, and i mean anything and is always willing to hang out with me if im bored, or lend an ear when im sad, and do something thoughtful just because. Im dissapointed with myself for not noticing sooner just how good of a friend Mara can be, but within these past few months im coming to learn, and I have never been more excited for a friendship to develop.

And those are just to name a few, in all honestly i have great friends. People are always there to watch me back and i would not be anywhere without them.

 Im so thankful for everything that have done for me this year, all that they have put up with, and for simply being themselves.

What do you want from me?

So it was dance show week. My most favorite week of the semester. Full of high stress, tears from graduating seniors, and a perfect opportunity to bond with everyone. There he was though, that boy, and although i may still like him,the feelings i have for him had settled into a constant numbness. A feeling that i just excepted as being there, but knew nothing was going to happen and i would have to deal with the permanent loss of him .Ourfriendship was improving though, i was learning to tolerate more of him, and his flirtyness i learned to deal with as nothing more than a display of our friendship. After the first night of the dance show i get a text from his saying "LOVE YOU, Goodnight :)" nothing more nothing less. While i didnt think much of this and knew it was simply a kinda gesture or yet another symbolization of our friendship it still stung a bit. Thats all it took, one text message for certain memories of him to come flooding back to me. If that would have been all, i would have been fine, i would not be in such a hopeless and desperate place that i am now. But of course not. He couldnt just leave me could he? He had to push further, knowing his quant charm and adorable looks could suck me back in with

one.

long.

phonecall.

Friday night of the dance show, we were messing around like always just causal friend stuff and he looks at me. I mean really looks at me. And he says your so naive you know that right? I chased him down, begged him to tell me what that ment , but no matter what i said he wouldnt budge. Said he would text me that night to explain to me what was up. But i never got that text that night. Instead I got a call. A call to explain to me that im naive because i assume he doesnt miss me. Doesnt miss me as in the relationship we used to have. And that even though he loves that other girl, he still gets happy when he sees me, and he misses talking to me everyday. We talked for a little over an hour about his current relationship and how things used to be. He asked me the last time we had talked like this, told me he didnt have any intention of kissing her when he did, and even after he didnt want to date her, for the same reason he didnt want to date me.. distance. He told me He still thought i was pretty, which i immediatly told him not to tell me that, that it wasnt fair. While i never came out and said it, he knows i still have feelings for him, but i would never act on them because of my best friend. I could never wish upon her the pain that i feel everyday. And while there relationship is so much stronger than me and his ever was. I still am overprotective over her , and i worry that he will hurt her. Since we also talked about the faults in there relationship, such as there distance, and the need for her to control him. Im not going out to say they wont work out or that he doesnt have feelings for her its obvious that he does.. All im saying is that in that hour conversation i was reminded of all of the old times and the worst part of all, when we hung up i felt like i was loosing him all over again. That pain and those feelings came right back full force. and so now here i am hanging on to something thats not even there. and while i know that phone call may have ment nothing to him, it gave me hope for something created by my imagination.



Why’d you call me today with nothing new to say?
You pretend it’s just hello, but you know what it does to me to see your number on the phone.

Now tell me, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me?
Are you tryin’ to bring back the tears or just the memories?
You keep takin’ me back, takin’ me back where I’ve already been.
When we hang up it’s almost like I’m losing you again.

She Who Dares..

"She can love you more than I could, she who dares to stand where I stood"

We were all waiting for it to happen, it was alsmot as if the world was standing by watching as my world came to a break down before me. Saturday morning was the d-day, the point of no return, and the day i had tried hoplessly to avoid for so long. My ex and one of my best friends kissed. There now together. And why more than anything im wishing for them to be happy together, its extremly hard for me not to be the least bit selfish in this situation. When my friend confessed it to me, she was so worried about my feelings and how i feel, but you know that was okay, because she should have been worried. Regardless of the situation it is pretty fucked up for your friend and your ex to be dating. I have to surrender my pride though, and be happy for them both. Because in all honestly i could not have picked a more perfect couple for each other. They literally have everything in common, and all i want for the two of them is to be happy. Unfortuantly for me, i cant have there happiness without a little bit of humilation and pity from others on my part. When people find out i feel like all eyes are on me to see just how im handling the situation, but in everyones eyes im being

strong, tough, and unafraid.

In the end though its all okay, because while things with my past love life may not be so clean cut and straight forward, its safe for me to say that i have almost entirely moved on from that. Remember my good guy friend? the one i was sooo convinced  i didnt have feelings for..we can just go ahead and say.Things may have changed.

fuck the haters anyway, im a sex kitten
:)

Pour me some Vodka

Everyone says junior year is the worst . Everyone says the classes are hard and the social life is even harder. Let's just say.... I severally underestimated just how serious they were. Not only are the classes ridiculous and time consuming, I have never had such a drama and tear filled year . I only have dated two guys this year, both very sweet, and both hurt me worse than I think I have ever been hurt before. If I'm honest with myself, I will tell you that I still have feelings for one of them and it literally kills me just to talk to him or see him around at school. But I push through suck it up and do it because I know if I shut him out of y life completely I would be even more miserable than I am now. So my heart is constantly hurting, and I'm still getting nauseous , and there is still songs I can't play without ruining my entire day. Since when did I let myself fall so hard as to get so completely attached to him? I keep wishing for someone to distract me.
But be careful what you wish for. Recently one of my very good guy friends confessed to having feeling for me. I don't want to mess up this friendship that I feel so close to and love so much but I honestly just can not bring myself to feel the same way about him. last time one of my guy friends told me he had feelings for me and I didn't feel the same he didn't speak to me for a month and I was literally heart broken. All I want to do is keep our friendship the same, unawkward, original , and ours. I'm not trying to complicate it especially with him going to college. I feel like the biggest douche bag ever. I literally am almost in tears over it every time his name pops up on my phone. And speaking of best friends problems on the weight of your shoulders.
One of my best friends just lost her virginity over the course of spring break to a guy who ended things with her shortly after. Once hearing that I immediately broke down in tears crying for her because I was so sad thy she is having to go through that. I sit and think about it all day long, worrying about her and wanting to remove his penis from his body fry it and watch it burn. You can mess with me, but you sure as hell can't mess with my friends.
What happens though when your friends begin messing with you? Remember my friend, who called me and said she didn't want to be my friend. It's gotten to the point where I can't look at her. It literally tears me apart everyday. There will be days where I am fine and others where I will come to last period nearly in tears. To be honest I'm just so sick of being hurt this year. I'm so sick of physically feelin my heart have pain. Pour me some damn vodka and get me the hell out of here.

Only Cry Once.

I love to cry, I cry all the time. Crying makes me feel relieved. It solves all my problems. But there is nothing more i hate in the world than appearing weak. When something bad, something that really deserves a cry happens to me, i simply refuse. I hate seeming like i let the world get the best of me. And most of all, I hate letting people know about it .I wear my heart on my sleeve, and everytime i get hurt i want to hit myself for doing it. And when a situation happens, a full deserving cry, i only allow myself to show weakness once, i only let a cry out once, i refuse to let people see that im not okay. I refuse to show people that the girl who always has her shit together isnt okay.Its embarassing to me. Im pretending like im okay, please dont interupt my performance alright?

Today, it happened, the inevitable, the thing that we all saw coming. The thing i had been waiting for, fighting against, but eventually would come, happend. He ended things with me. I was so hurt, i wanted to throw away the rest of the day sit in my room and cry. But i refuse to let the world win, i sat down on my floor, i told my mom, and i cried, i cried once. and only once. and after that, i was okay. I pulled myself together, and i didnt pity myself. I was even laughing. But then the unexpected happened, something i didnt see coming.

One of my very best friends told me she didnt want to be my friend anymore, i was a bitch, i treat her like shit. Do you know how hard it is to sit back and take that from someone who you have been friends with for almost three years now? ill fill you in... incredibly hard. unbearbly hard. I cried once, tried to pull myself together, and i almost did. Until my other friend texting me telling me, i cant always fool the world. I cant always pretend like nothing effects me and i dont have a heart. I have to care, i have to show my emotions and its okay to not always be happy. i am human after all. So now here i sit, and im crying, and im crying a lot. And you know what? for now its okay for me to be sad, it almost feels good to cry, but tomorrow. tomorrow, im tough, strong, happy, and up on my feet. no one brings me down. and if they do they wont know it. :)

My heart is just so tired.

xoxo michelle

Wretched Days

Today was just one of those day were literally everything got under my skin. I felt as though I was under my breaking point all day, that maybe i would explode with tears at any minute. Everything was building up, Everything was tearing me down, and all i wanted to do was sit in my room, light a candle and cry. Dance, which used to be my biggest get away, my biggest motivator, has taken a tole for the worst, almost becoming my worst enemy. I find my happiness quielty surrendering whenever i enter the doors of my studio. Just like the good feelings slowly drift away, I always try to add comic relief to the ever stressful life at dance because simply i enjoy having a good time. Usually that comic relief is taken as annoying and immature. But lets face it, im almost seventeen im not mature at all. and all i wanna do is have a little fun. So please shoot me, bury my head in the sand , and shun me for it, because if you cant have a good time then i dont want your negativity bringing me down anyways. I constantly feel out of the loop at dance, the awkward one or the one who doesnt have a friend. While im sure most of the other girls dont see it that way, i always feel so out of place. Which is unlike me to not be confident in every situation. Why in dance do i feel like the joke is always on me? im sick of the drama and the wy people treat each other, i just want to be apart of the fun,...obvioulsy to much to ask.

And then there is still him, he lately has been seeming to bring me down. I know he is stressed out from his sport and all. But im still not getting that reasurance i would have hoped for. Probably even less than the last time. I feel like a needy and whining girl, but if it comes to the fact that we dont talk unless i text you first, we have a problem. I really like him, but im not that strong. and im not so sure how much more of this "put on the back burner" i can really take.

I could use a little reassurance.

What is It with me and the wrong guy? Why can't I ever seem to like the guy with no attachments, the free standing guy, a loan wolf? I seem to have a habit of falling for a guy that is destined for failure. Maybe I just like the challenge, or the knowing that it cant be too serious or last to long, or maybe Im simply unlucky. I pride myself on being a strong girl, I hardly ever take break ups to hard, and I usually let the men follow me, never the other way around. Until now....



Please remember me , Im not sure if I can let you go



Here he comes, He is short, freaking adorable, and I have decided it is simply a ridiculous and impossible task not to smile when Im around him. Everything he says makes me laugh, and I have yet to find something about him that I dont enjoy. Except for the fact that I constantly get the feeling im way more into him then he is into me. In the begining, he would call me every night, text me all day long, and was always dying to hang out with me. So what suddenly changed? What could I have done to push him away so much that I am constantly praying that maybe he will text me today? I recently went an entire weekend not receving so much as a text from him. like what the hell? we had never gone a day without talking let alone a weekend. I find myself in a constant worry. Im over analyzing everything between us, and for the first time, I have experianced what it is like to be so insanly jealous of someone . Never before have I worried about who my boyfriend was talking to or hanging out with.. until now.

What is it about this boy that makes me show all my weaknesses that I have prided myself on never showing anyone before. All i want to do is be with him all the time, and that is just something i have never felt. and if im honest with myself i will say that it scares me .

                                                          am i just paranoid?

are things between us really as bad as i make them out to be?

Honestly it seems like every time i have a concern or he gives me the cold shoulder. Almost instantly he replases it with a good thing about him. So its almost like i can never be upset with him for too long. Not that he even knows i have concered thoughts about his feelings for me all the time.

is it because i have held out to long on us kissing?

was she really right? its that all my fault?

So we havent kissed yet? Is that a big deal? Its not like we havent talked about it. He knows about my extreme innocence. Its not like we dont want to . It just hasnt presented itself with the right time. I just have never understood the big deal with taking things slow. I have never kissed just for fun, when i kiss someone its because i have strong feelings for them and thats a representation of that.

is it because were not dating?

do we need to have that offical title for him to feel the need to constantly display his feelings?

He always tells me that he treats me just like a girlfriend. But would you really go a whole weekend without talking to a girlfriend? Would you leave a girlfriend wondering if your feelings for her are even still exsistant? I think not.

But im a big girl. I need to grow up. I have never been needy and Im not about to start now. I should believe that if he was starting to have feelings for "her" he would tell me. This isnt middle school. And im not saying he treats me like shit.. all im saying is I could use a little more reassurance.



You Know I Wont Last Without You.

 "don't know where I'd be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend, oh yeah"

All of us have that one best friend. I have been best friends with mine since i was in third grade. LITERALLY. Sure i mean we have had our fights but for the past couple of years at high school we really havent been fighting at all we just kinda let stuff blow over because we relized that the little stuff really are not inportant and we only have a short amount of time left before we will most likely end up going are seperate ways. I guess this never really hit me until this year. Its about the time for everyone to do there junior reviews, a major step in our preperation for college. While everyone else is excited and overwhelmed with the unknowing and the future, im terrifed of fighting through the world without my very best friend at my side. So often lately i have felt like she has been slipping through my fingers and i try so hard not to focus on the little time we have left together and more on the great memories i know were going to have.

         I have never once met someone who is more my best friend then she is though. When im a spaz, she isnt. When shes a spaz, im not. Im the adventurous one, and she the one whom ive always looked up to and wanted to be. Shes my good example, my mom, and my sister. Im scared of what life will be like without having her to watch my back and look out for me , correcting my mistakes. Too often i joke that she is my "mom" but i think thats what i love most about her. She cares about me, she is there for me when i need her, and i never have to worry about her leaving me behind.

       I never really talk about how scared i am to lose her with anyone , because honestly it simply feels silly. We still have a year left right? And even in the worst case scenario its not like i will loose her forever and ever amen. So why am i so worried? am i really that dependent on this friendship i have had since a child , or is it just a deeper fear of the changed life i will have without her. Worst of all, what if im scared about the fact that she will replace me, or maybe ill replace her.

     We always joke about how were going to be old grandmas hitting on young men, but what if we grow apart and forget each other? what if two years down the road in college i wont even remember her name?

and i think thats what scares me the most... the fear of not knowing..

you know i wont survive without you...</3

Im telling myself, I'll Be okay

" I dare you to let me be your one and only, promise im worthy to hold in your arms"

Its been awhile, and Alot has happened. SHOCKER, there was a boy. I guarentee he was different. I never felt the way I have felt about someone the way i felt when i was around him. It wasnt awkward, i could literally tell him anything, it didnt feel forced or uncomfortable.Anytime i was with him,i was always laughing, he probably was the nicest guy i have ever liked and yet he had this way to make me feel like i was the sexiest girl in the world.  I would literally count down the days till i could see him, he would call me every night. it was.awesome.People warned me he doesnt do relationships . But i was stupid, and i let him get to me, something i never let myself do. and when he ended it, just like all the boys in my life end up doing, I took it really hard.

I didnt see it coming, it was out of nowhere, i was unprepared.

" Im not fine, Im in pain, Its harder everyday, maybe were better off this way, its better that we break"

He was scared of relationships, i could understand that. He wanted to end it before things got to serious and we would hurt each other anymore, i could understand that. Just because i could understand it, doesnt mean i agree with it. I have never once fought for a guy more than the fight i put up just for him. I have never been the girl to sit on her floor and listen to adele and cry poor me. I have never even concidered taking a guy back after he ends things, but with him i would have just about done anything to be with him. So i was torn up, but hey it was all about me and my friends now right? They were there for me. Except one of my best girlfriends, is his bestgirlfriends.

 .....Ouch

" but go on and take it all, with you, dont look back, at this crumbling fool, just take it all with my love"

Basically it didnt take to much time for me to end up looking like an idiot. He switched lunch tables, i seemed like a crazy emotional fool, and im currently in the proccess of loosing one of my bestfriends over this. She eventually took his side. I was crazy, I was bashing him on twitter, I was the bitch. And although none of that was true, it didnt take to long for her to believe it. And so now everything i say is taken the wrong way, and im terrified that our friendship group is being torn apart. Honestly, im beating myself up inside over just how stupid i let myself be.

Did i really think things were gunna be different for me with him?

Did i really think i was special?

Am i really that concided that i thought a fight would bring him back?

Honestly how much hope and confidence did i have to think that he didnt really mean it, it wasnt really over?

" Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger."

All of this happend in the span of about a month, A month, thats all it took for me to like a guy hopelessly, lose him, confide in one of my best friends, lose her, and now honestly i feel alone. Of course i have other people on my side that have been supporting me through this but i have never felt less independent or stupid. Yesterday i came to reality.

1.) He does not feel for me the way i feel for him, he is done, forever

2.) I may still have feelings for him now, but i am done putting up with this and being treated like the bad guy

3.) I am stronger than this, I have other friends, and I am better than this.

4.) One day me and him will be friends again but for now its too soon for him, he needs his time

5.) I am better, I am stronger, and I am going to be okay..

xoxo, Michelle

Except for Worse, And Worse

Ever since i was lacking confidence and feeling really low on myself my days have seemed to just gotten worse and worse. Im not really going to get into detail about the abundance of things that have been happening to me lately but honestly the amount of bad and negative thats going on in my life is raining out and down on the good. Normally when something bad happens to me i just shake it off and let it slide because i try to maintain happy and carefully. unfortunatly lately i have been feeling to the point of almost depression where i break down over everything and honestly just cant get a grip on my life. I feel like im spinnning out of control and i dont even know how to be myself anymore. I dont really know how to even talk to anyone about this simply because im worried about looking weak and whiny which is somthing i always try to be the opposite of. But if im only happy when i fake it, i feel lonler then ever, and taking a test makes me want to cry my eyes out, somthings gotta give. when dance the one thing that used to be my safe haven and make me happy has become just another contributing factor to my unhappyness something up, and if for some reason i feel like i cant even talk to my best friend about this what does a girl do. I honestly need to be happy for once. And figure out whats wrong with me because i cant continue like this..

Skies are crying, I am watching Catching tear drops in my hands Only silence, as it's ending

Without?

 fake Confidence?.. no problem.. except

         For some reason lately my cofidence is at an all time low and im finding myself to just be very unhappy. I feel like even though i have tons of support from my friends i feel like i look around myself and feel nothing. im not confident in the way i dress or the way i look. Lately i have been even feeling really ugly and unwanted. i look around me and feel like everyone has a special someone except for me. i guess i just havent been realizing how lucky i am and am always craving more, but its so unlike me to be living in such unhappyness especially without confidence at all. I find that im breaking down much easier and i let things bother me that normally wouldnt bother me. i feel weak and just totally not myself.

      I feel like all this started the week before homecoming and from then on it just got worse and worse. Im beginging to wonder if sophmore year was just to good to be true and junior year is just going to be like the relapse or fall back from such a great summer. i need something to keep my focus on because lately i have just kinda found myself floating.. and i dont like it. i atleast need to have some reason to believe that there is hope that things are gunna get better and that this was just another one of michelles months from hell.

im not sure i know how to live without confidence regardless of whether its fake or not. and i need to jumo back into my special place because right now.. i dont even know who i am.

I want to believe in it all again..music and art...fate and love, and I want to believe that I've made the right choices, and I'm still on the right path, and there's still time to fix some mistakes I've made....I guess I want hope

xoxo Michelle

Fire and Gasoline.

So there is a boy ... what a shocker there. i know right im pathetic!  Anyways we have a bit of a history. I dated him or i guess you could call it dating several years back and ever since then i still get nervous when i see him. well lately he has been coming to my house to say hey and we laugh and chat and stuff. And its so aggrivating because literally everytime we start to be friends again i cant help but fall for him. he is annoying and immature but something about our past draws me to him. Its like he is my addiction or something. We have tried to make it work several times before, but we always get distracted. I always thought he would be my first kiss, and that didnt happen. I always thought that one day we would make it work, and that hasnt happened. I dont know what it is about him, we only dated for like two months in eighth grade and we barely ever saw each other, so someone please explain to me why everytime i hang out with him i get butterflies in my stomach, i get jealous when he talks about other girls, and i always feel like there is a piece of me that will always like him.

" Forget all the regrets that are bound to follow.Were like fire and gasoline, im no good for you, your no good for me. We only bring each each other tears and sorrow, but tonight im gunna love you like theres no tomorrow."

A lot of times i simply wonder why i feel so strongly about him. Why is it that my heart will always have a little speical place for him. Is it because he was my "first boyfriend" because my first kiss is not that special to me at all. This boy always messes with my head and my best friend almost automatically expects me to say i like him again just a soon as he falls back into my life. The reasons why we dont work is a totaly different story. But i just want to know if i should give into my temptation and go through the roller coaster of emotions which only ends up in failure again. Or just leave my heart yearning to find out "what if?"

Sometimes i leave this world more confused then not....

<3 Little Michelle



No Relief.

"Stress is when you wake up screaming then realize that you haven't fallen asleep yet."

......ok so ill be honest. Normally as in the first two years of high school. I have known to be a bit of a slacker, my grades were bad, my room was always a mess, and all i really cared about was shopping and my social life. This year i really have tried to improve, my room for the most of the time is perfectly spotless, not a single thing out of place all my clothes have been put up and ive been washing my clothes and it really has been looking good. Today however, my mom gets ridiculously mad at me because one of the sections of my bathroom isnt clean. Now this just happened recently because i was trying to straighten up for one of my friends and so i just through some clothes on the floor in there fully intending to clean them up when i got home today. SHe was furious me when i got home because even though both my rooms are spot less as well as the most part of bathroom there was clothes all on the floor of one section. Like seriously for the past two weeks my room has been spotless and for me that is REALLY GOOD.. but your gunna get mad over that. I recieved no credit at all for having my room perfect and i did it without even asking i literally spent the whole day cleaning and instead of saying " you rooms look good michelle " or " nice job michelle" i get a " michelle your bathroom is a wreck?" wow, Also this first week of school i have started off really strong, like i really think its going to be good. And im doing my homework as soon as i get home, and im really trying hard. I get frustrated and discouraged really easily and its hard for me to focus but i have been trying. Well anyway we had put summer reading test today and my mom knows i didnt finish my book, but i read all last night reading it, and when i told her it went pretty well except for the part i didnt read she got reallly mad at me . And i understand i should have finished the book but literally she knows i have been trying really hard and its like the instant i mess up she gets pissed. i would just like a little support. Normally me and my mom are really close and we never stay mad long but im really upset over this and am gunna try really hard to give her a hard time about this .. its simply ridiculous to me, and i feel like i deserve just a little credit for the things i have accomplished.. like seriously no focus on the positive at all. No Relief ever. I always feel like im ten feet under in everything. </3

Little Michelle

In Search Of Alaska.

"So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she wa a hurricane."

 

Alaska Young is a tease, a tortured soul, and an extremly unhappy girl. She is also one of my Favorite Characters From One of My favorite books that i have just recently read.titled Looking For Alaska.

 

 

This character although horrible and moody at most times, facinated me just by her rambunctious personality and free spirit until her death. This quote, " if people were rain i would be a drizzle and she would be a hurricane" is quite possibly my favorite line of the book. It describes just how big of an impact she had on the main characters life, he was so taken by her it almost became a form of obsession. I often found myself caught with her, even though she was most times a complete and total ice cold unrelatable bitch. Alaska has qualities that i feel i have always prided myself on wanting to be, she was wild, fun, interesting, and mysterious.

 

 

wild: although i am not a crazy party animal or a incredibley rebellius teen, i strive to live my life a little bit out of the box. I try not to look at things the ordinary way and always make my self try everything atleast once.  Its intresting how far im willing to push myself and were i know my boundaries are and how depending on who i hang out with the boundaries will change. Supprisnly, around my more sheltered friends i tend to be more wild then with my friends who i guess you could call a bit more out there. I feel this is because im always trying to push my sheltered friends " out of the square" although i hardly ever do anything illigal or life threating or just down right trampy, i do try very hard to live my life to the fullest, much like Alaska Young does in the novel.

 

Fun: i guess im what you would tend to call a spaz. Im loud and talk way to much for my own and half the time i drive my friends crazy. I love meeting new people and learning new things about people. Because frankly i find people interesting. I love party dancing to music and when i make someone laugh, my day tends to instantly be complete. I guess you could concider those things fun?

 

Interesting: While im certainly not your average teenager, with juggling 13 hours of dance a week, a boiling social life, and school work there really is no time for average is there? But then again i feel like every teenager experiances that . Anyway there are a few interesting facts about me that make me different from the rest. For one, im a certified scuba diver and swim like a fish ( meaning best underwater), i have also been carrying around lime disease for about six years know(but i didnt know about it for three of those years ) , and i have been told several times that im too observational for my own good. Meaning i can literally reconize scents and clothing brands and i often pick up small details about people simply by watching. Some people find it creepy, i think its cool.

 

mysterious : not suprisngly this is the one i struggle with. while i try to pull of the whole mysterious thing especially when flirting (teheh) i find that most people can read me like a book from my supreme girly apperance and what i guess you could call ditzy vibe. Im not about to completely change who i am, so for now ill continue my moderate or semi average mysterious lifestyle.

 

These qualities that Alaska has obviously doesnt completely fit me because lets face it, im no Alaska. But someday i hope a guy like Miles can look at me with such adoration  as he did with Alaska. She was the girl he couldnt figure out, and thats why she inspires me so much... she was such a bad ass

 

 

Yay to john green for making his stories and characters so wonderful and yay to me for finally being able to write about something im interested in and not just ranting and clearing my head about boys

 

<3 Michelle

I like you, but its complicated..

"My knees start to shake, when you're in sight, my mind's filled with wonder, my heart with fright. When will this feeling stop? When did it start? How can I listen to my mind, without breaking my heart? I'm so confused, what can I do?"

So here you have it, the ever so popular question everyone seems to want to know. "do you like me/ have feelings for me/ have a crush on me?" Any way you put it, there all asking the same question and its one of the most intimidating things that i ever have to deal with. Normally expressing how I feel is not that hard for me after given it some time and gathering of my thoughts, this question, unless previously pondered stumps me every time. What is like anyway? webster defines it as to feel an attraction to, or pleasure towards. Yahoo answers says it means to have feelings for someone.
Am i physically attracted to this guy? yea sure he is cute, but he is no brad pitt but nothing that would prevent me from "liking him"
Do i have a feeling of pleasure? Does my jumping from him rubbing up and down my leg in the movie theater count as pleasure? If so then yea sure i guess there is " pleasure " just fine.
Do i have feelings for him? well what kinda feelings ? am i attached to him? no not at all but then again i never have been really attached to anyone except for friends, never any boyfriends. But i do have feelings of happyness towards him. I mean he makes me laugh.. thats a plus right?

So if i answered yes to all of those. The answer has to got to be simple right? I must like him. Except for heres the catch, im still not so convienced that i do. As previously stated he is fun to be around, and things arent so very awkward and he certainly is a shmoozer and makes me laugh. But he is also completely girl obsessed, way to sexually driven, we have nothing in common, and i have no desire to constantly check my phone to see if he texted me, or worry that he forgot to text me back or wonder when we will hang out next. To be honest im not sure if i want to hang out with him all the time at all. Sure every once and awhile would be fun but lets not make a habit out of it type of thing. And while we have the physical down, what about the emotional, i cant until now recall us ever talking about anything more serious then the latest sports game or when my dance class was over, a relationship cant be based on that right?

Take all that confusion and then lets just throw in another boy to spice up the mixture. You remember my best friend? The guy i swore i would never like? Well what if he is the one i like? What happens then? What if i have fallen for the skimpy ginger kid who lives in ohio? Well damn that complicates things.

But what if im just scared? Scared of being hurt again, scared of moving on to someone new, scared of what people will think, scared of my inexperiance or the level of awkwardness. Maybe even though i think i want to be in a relationship maybe my heart simply isnt ready to be put through the ringer again. Maybe even though im dying to be in a relationship and i want someone to think im special, im just not ready. Or maybe i never will be, maybe relationships arent for me in high school maybe i really do get bored to easily.

Then again what if im just making excuses...because i dont like him. Or maybe im making excuses because i do and im scared that i do.

So when he asked me... " do you have feelings for me?"
All i could say was " its complicated"
now here he is waiting patiently for me to come up with some sort of explanation as to why its o-so-complicated.
and i cant really just say. i like you, but i just cant date you, without making me sound like a complete tease now can i?
And thats when i get dizzy.

I like you, but its complicated. </3

...michelle.