Hit it and Quit It

So when I first started this blog, I meant for it to be a way for me to get out my feelings without going crazy on someone, however I like to keep it public because it was almost like I was wishing for that person i was refering to, to find it and read it. For them to understand how I was feeling, without me trying to be something im not. just 100% emotional and weak michelle. Along the way however, someone did stumble across it, someone I could trust and while I got used to them always knowing exactly to a T what was on my mind, I got a bit to comfortable in giving out my url to just anyone who wants to listen. It almost became a need for attention its getting to be a bit to ridiculous. It has become a diary that just about anyone can read, and thats just a little more open than i wanted to be. It has gotten to the point that I am having to think about what I post before I post it, because of who might see it, and who it might offend. I feel like this is no longer for me and now it is for my friends who read it instead of me just trying to clear my head. I understand that I do have followers reading this other than friends who for some odd reason are  interested in my life. And those few people will follow me to my new URL address. im doing this because its along time coming and as my life gets more complicated and complex before high school comes to an end i really need this little bit of space to just be about me. That way I can return to writing about whoever and whatever I have the desire to write about. However, i do realize that this is still the internet and it is accessible to whomever has the patience to read about my overdramtatic rampage. But it is my wish to keep this on the internet just because it makes me feel like im being heard even if i most definitly am not. Anyways  so If you happen to come across my new URL, than more power to you, just know that this will be my complete and utter truth and whatever comes to mind about anyone will be posted. I refuse to hold back and if you stumble on it. Dont be offended, because it was your choice to do so. So yea.. I guess thats all. Oh and for those of you who have been checking up on me by reading this just to know whats really going on in my life. I appreciate it, the fact that you care that much if any literally means the world to me. Thanks LOVES!!!

PEACE OUT BITCHES

The Struggle Is Real.

It has been quite sometime since I have posted anything, and that simply because well. There hasnt been anything to dramatic or horrible to tell about. Life has been pretty chill, and that makes me happy. Im really trying to concentrate hard on just cutting loose, and not sweating the small stuff. I think if i can manage to do that I will have a really good senior year, and that is all I have ever wanted. So basically you might have noticed that I vent about ever extreme feeling on here. Everything that I am feeling at the time put in a way that is not sugar coated and completely honest. So while my life may be pretty chill, and grand right now I am going to take this time to fill you in on a few "struggles" that are still getting under my skin.

For one there is drivers ed. It is the most completely pointless and stupidest set of learning materials that I have ever had my hands on. I guess the worst part about it is the fact that I am honestly doing it for no point whatsoever. Im seventeen which means that legally I can take my test without putting up with this bullshit that is drivers ed. Also, because I am taking this "fantastic " course online it is saving my parents 0 dollars in insurance. Yes you heard me, zero dollars. Our insurance company does not allow drivers ed to be done online for the sake of saving money on insurance. So in all honesty, im doing this for absoltely no reason. And thats really really pissing me off.

Speaking of drivers ed, i have never been more nervous for a test in my entire life. I might as well be shaking in my boots. I have never had official training in a car with a driving instructor and so im so scared that that might set me back on the test. Also there is parking, parking makes me so nervous i think i might puke. I hope I can pass, and im mostly worried about passing because if I dont, that will probably be the single most humiliating moment of my entire life. Yea no, it will be.

Fun Fact: I think i have decided to name my car Margo, I read this book called paper towns by john green and i feel in love with the character of Margo and so I thought she was a good representation of what my car makes me think of. Mysterious, Adventurous, Puzziling And now i just seem retarded so im going to stop talking.

For those of you wondering about the boy, things are still at a standstill. We barely talk and when we do , the most I get is a few word responses. So i guess you could say my motivation is deterorating. The thing that kills me the most is that i used to mean the world to him and now he seems okay with just driffting away from me. And that hurts , that hurts worse than almost anything because its like i am seeing the closeness we had literally deteriorate in front of my eyes. And there is absolutly nothing that I can do to stop it, or even slow it down. I may have won many battles with him, but I was never intended to win the war.

In all honesty, I just get lonely, when it seems like everyone around you has that special someone, and your just left in the dust its hard not to feel so alone. Then i Just stop and realize that im not really lonley and its not that no one wants me or that im not good enough. Its simply because im so damn sexy that i intimidate the hell out of everyone else. And that is really just all there is to it. Haha , no but really, i just need someone to talk to, do you know how long it has been since i eas able to flirt with someone? Like longer than the time is takes for grass to grow, get cut and grow again. and thats a crazy long time.

I have been asked to set a piece on a proffesional company by one of my teachers at my dance school. it took me forever to convince myself that I was capable and strong enough to do it . Im planning on doing a piece to a song called youth .Its basically just about how eventually everyone gets effected by a heart brake. and its almost possible to avoid your first one. I find that first heartbreaks are almost always the hardest to get over just because you have never had a feeling so strong. Now I do not clame to have ever experianced true heartbrake, because in all honesty I have never come to the conclusion that I am truley in love. But I do know what it is like to have lost someone you care for deeply. And so i really want to do a piece first representing the extreme innocence and just how dramatic and more grown up you have to become after you loose your first love. Honestly, i have never been more terrified. just working on the chereography makes me so nervous because I want it to be amazing. Im often intimidated by other peoples artwork, constantly compairing myself to theres and wondering why didnt i think of that or why isnt mine good enough?? I can never be completely satisfied with what i have to offer and that really stresses me out.

Well that was long and ramably and probably made absolutely no sense at all. But there was so much I just needed to get out and so i figured i would just mush them all together. So while my life right now is actually really chill, I always have my few complaints lol. MWAH!

Hard to Love

Its Like that book the perks of being a wallflower, except for instead its....

" And in that moment I swear we were never infinite. "

But then again, I have a theory that infinite is dumb, because nothing is infitinte. Nothing except for God. Because even the perfect relationship comes to an end. And that just my bitter ass truth.

I knew we were never meant to last, because lets be honest just how long can one thing last? We were destined for failure, but you already know my record for choosing guys destined for failure. As well as my record of choosing guys that are scared.

1.Scared of what everyone else thought

2. Scared of his own feelings

3. Scared of commitment

4.Scared of relationships

5. Scared of my innocence.

and now 6. Scared of himself

He is scared of what he might do to me, or just what he is capable of. I have been battling this with him for a few weeks now. Him constantly suggesting that he is no good for me, like he knows whats best for me. I have continously fought for him when he is the one who fucked up. So recently when he went away again saying that that was what was best for both of us.. I let him. I was so tired of seeming desperate for him and weak without him that I got angry. And I just snapped. I basically gave him permission to never speak to me again. Never again speak to my best friend, that one person who without fail makes me laugh. Never again talk for hours about our passion for dance, and joking over the word PotatoE. (dont ask :)) From the moment I sent that text I have missed it. Its been almost five days sense. And im at a loss for myself, i simply dont know what to do with myself. I havent been sleeping. I want so badly to be strong but Im just not. With every boy I have noticed that Im getting weaker and weaker and more and more attached and I really just need a fun relationship that im not so into. Because I cant continue to feel like this. Its simply exhausting.

Jokes <3

Wanna know the worst part? The worst part is, he doesnt seem to be feeling the same way im feeling about it that I do. He seems to be getting along just fine, happy even like maybe now that im out of his life he can finally move on and happy. I just wish that he cared like i did. Why is it that im always the one fighting for him, doesnt he care too? i know he used to, he used to make me feel like someone special to him, I used to like the think that i was the exception. But its obvious that I wasnt. He just put up a new dance video, to one of my current favorite songs. And Im in love with the dance, but its n ot even like I can congradualate him. Or critic him for that matter. He always used to value my opinion. Okay im gunna stop whining now because that just gotten ridiculous. Basically im trying hard not to text him, but its getting harder and harder. I put it off as long as I can but ill be honest it isnt getting any easier. the only good thing that is coming out of this right now is new inspiration for a dance which im currently working on. But right now im just trying to keep busy.

Playlist of Perfection:

Hard to love - Lee Brice

Posion and Wine - The civil wars

I wont give up - Jason Mraz

Youth - Daughter

Same Mistakes- One Direction

Doing it Wrong - Drake

Not meant to be-Theory of a Deadman

Can I stay - Ray Lamontage

Summertime Sadness- Lana Del Ray

Over You- Miranda Lambert

Made to be Together- Trey Songz

Fix a Heart- Demi Lovato

The Bird- The Weeknd

Won't Stop-Childish Gambino

Glow in the Dark- Chris Brown

I guess now is a good time to mention that I have a playlist for every boy I have dated. Full of songs from when we were together and songs I used to get over them. Music is the closest thing I have ever had to a committed relationship. Im not kidding music is my strongest dedication. I can never sit in silence. 



To Give A Chance Too Many.

So by now you know him. You know the guy with the ex and the drunk hooking up. And by now your wondering why I havnt said peace out bitch to his ass and moved on to someone else. Im wondering the same things myself a little bit, but here the deal. I cant. I honestly dont want anyone else right now. Right now he is all i see and I cant help but wonder if there is such a thing as a chance to many. Is the fact that im willing to give him my trust again a sign that im just desperate or that he has some sort of power over me convincing me he wont ever do it again . Im a little shocked and even a bit dissapointed in myself with the fact that I want to forgive him and trust him again and yet im doing it anyways. And in all honesty i dont give a damn. He makes me happy, he makes me happy even just being my best friend. I like him, but if I had to i could supress my feelings and just be his freind simply because i understand him and i like being around him. He makes me feel most comfortable and most like myself almost as much as some of my best friends. I simply want to talk to him all the time and if I dont my day feels as though its lacking something.

However, Im constantly getting the vibe that he simply does not feel the same way that i do about the situstion. I am one who likes to talk out the issues while he is one who simply walks away and says that he cant handle it. Just today i got a text from him saying " Hey we need to talk" Those five little words that can mean life changing or otherwise determental things to any form of relationship . And im scared of the outcome of that phone call. I admit im scared of him saying that its over, and i dont just mean relationship over, i mean over. No contact over. He has threatened that so many times and it terrifies me. I dont do well with dropping people i need to hold on . IM ALWAYS ATTACHED. He is always saying that his only way out, that he doesnt trust himsef around me, he doesnt see himself as a good enough person to have a third chance with me. And if im honest, i dont trust him yet, I just dont he is going to have to build it up again and learn some real self discipline which i think he has finally realized. He has said to me that he needs to really fix himself as a person and anaylize if he is the kinda person who does things like that. And thats something i can respect. I just hope  that that doesnt cut me out of his life completely. Because there is only so much of that that i could take without him. And so call me that hopeless damsel, because here i am giving him a chance too many and hoping for the best.

Backstabbing Bitches & Penis Minded Assholes.

So Lately I have been really dissapointed in the human race as a whole. I have come to the conclusion that all girls are backstabbing bitches and all boys are penis minded assholes. And everyone around me seems to be looking at for no one but themselves. To be honest, im no different. It took me being treated like shit in order for me to realize just how much of a bitch I have the capability to be. Regardless, this isnt about me, this is about me stating how simply everyone sucks. EVERYONE! All of my friends it feels like have been telling me about there different problems and it made me see how bad people have gotten to be. It seems as though everyones a cheater these days, since when did that become okay under certain circumstances? In my opinon people in relationships get away with way more than there supposed lately. Lets start with my story shall we?
Basically I liked this guy, but he liked me first. I was soley convinced I didnt like him until I did. Soon enough we had a thing, as much of a thing you can have without actually dating. Do to the fact that he is black and my parents would shoot me. Anyways this boy is going through things, I try to respect his wishes even if it means not speaking to him for a few days. We recently hooked up, and let me ask if you can say A-M-A-Z-I-N-G? Soon after that i really felt like things were good between us, i thouht that we were strong and for the first time i was starting to feel happy! Then came this party, a party that normally im invited to, unfortunatly for me I was out of town for this one. I thought nothing of this party until later what do i find out ? This boy hooked up with his ex girlfriend at this party!! I was so heartbroken so confused so shocked that i didnt know what to do with myself. Everyone had told me he was the good guy, he was perfect for me, he would never hurt me. how could someone who i thought would be so sweet to me do something so utterly crushing. Finally when i got around to talking to him about it, I came to understand the circumstances he was under, and forgave him because lets be honest we arent a couple anyway. He promised me never again, we were back on track sworn to just each other or so i thought. The next day , there is another party. This time i was uninvited, and little do i come to find out. He has done it again with his ex. And now im having to catch me breath because the pressure building in my chest is almost unbereable. This is not my boy, this is not how he acts and the fact that we arent speaking is killing me. But he has left me alone, his phone is turned off and for the first time in a while im suddenly feeling like i dont exist. i know he thinks he is leaving me for a good reason but in all honesty i never got to be mad, i never got to express how i felt, we never talked it out. He just turned his phone off and dropped me.
Now to mention her.. the ex girlfriend. I have gotten to know her, and i would say we have become friends and the fact that she would through herself at what she knows to be my boy makes me sick to my stomach. What kinda little bitch would do some shit like that?  She disinvited me to her party with all knowing she could get him drunk enough to hook up with her? Like who does that, after all the shit i have done for you. Why would you do that to me? I have done a lot of shit for that girl and all she does is stab me in the back.

It seems as though recently im not the only ones who have been backstabbed or blindslidded. one of my best guyfriends girl friends just cheated on him. And one of my good girlfriends has an ex boyfriend still saying she is beautiful and he misses her while he is with someone else.

 What i want to know is what happened to all the decent people in the world and

since when did everyone just turn to shit.